Mental Health · self-help · self-love · Uncategorized

8 Ways to Deal With Negative Thoughts

You wake up in the morning but you are rushing because you snoozed for the last hour. The night before, you planned on getting up early, drinking some cucumber and lemon water, stretching, walking the dog, and having time to get ready for yoga. That snooze button just was too easy and the bed was too comfortable to get out of. Yoga is in 20 minutes so you rush out of bed, eat a piece of toast, don’t even brush your hair or teeth, and basically throw clothes on and rush out the door. Already, you are anxious because you have 10 minutes to get to class before it starts. You are upset because you planned to have a good morning and to start it off right but that dang snooze button got the best of you! On the drive, you are talking so negatively about yourself and upset that you didn’t just get up. You get to class with 1 minute to spare and to your luck, the only spot left is in the very front and center of the class. GREAT just to my luck this would happen! The negative thoughts start creeping in… “This is going to suck,” “What if I get sick and can’t lay down,” What if I can’t keep up with the entire class since I haven’t been in a month,” ” I am front and center so I have to keep up or else I will look weak,” “I work here so I have to be a good yoga role model to the other students and to the ones online,” “I am scared I won’t do well,” “I am so mad about myself for not getting up earlier to get in a different spot.” The mind is going wild with so much negative thinking before the class has even started.

Instead of continuing this negative thinking and letting this mindset completely ruin the next 75 minutes of this hot yoga class, you make a huge shift in your thoughts! You start to look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I got this,” “I am strong,” “I don’t have to be perfect,” “I am thankful I made it to the mat,” “I showed up and didn’t fully bail on class,” “I just have to breathe and take it a step at a time,” and just like that…..you feel strong, brave, happy, excited, and you take on the entire 75 minute class like a rock star! What a concept right? If we switch our negative thoughts and start speaking positive affirmations then it can completely transform how you feel about a situation.

Does this happen to you? Do you have moments before going into a situation and you completely already talk yourself out of it before you even had a chance to attempt? This happens to me A LOT! I don’t know if it stems from my anxiety, depression, or lack of self-confidence and trust in good things to actually happen. Along the way, there have probably been situations in your life where you have been let down. Instead of letting yourself down without fully knowing the situation yet, you tell yourself that it already isn’t going to work, so no big deal. This can be a defense mechanism and a reaction to replaying past events and worrying about the future. Unfortunately, these negative thoughts really take a toll and can hold you back from enjoying life experiences, distract you from focusing on what’s really important, make you feel anxious and depressed, and drain your energy. 

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive behavior therapy or CBT is a psychological treatment that can be effective for a range of problems including depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol, and drug use problems, marital problems, eating disorders, and severe mental illness. CBT helps you manage stress and anxiety by learning relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, coping self-talk, identifying situations that are often avoided and gradually approaching feared situations. This type of therapy is focused on present problems and is works with problem-orientated situations.  A great resource to find a therapist in your area that does CBT is searching on Psychology Today online.

Cognitive Therapy Exercise:

(My Psychology teacher gave us this example of what a Cognitive Therapy Exercise looks like so feel free to answer these questions for your own personal reflection)

  • I often worry that I _____
  • What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen? What do you fear most of all?
  • When you think the worst thing that could happen, do you really think that it’s likely to happen? If so, How could you learn to cope with it?
  • I accept myself even though I ____ (do not use the word “am”)

2. Recognizing where your thought distortions are coming from

When you can recognize the core of where these negative thoughts stem from then it can be very beneficial. We tend to tell ourselves these stories of things that are really not true and these inaccurate thoughts can reinforce negative thinking. When we can really recognize them then we can challenge them.

  • Personalizing: Assuming you are to blame for anything that goes wrong. When someone doesn’t say hello to you in the morning at work and you feel that it is your fault and you must have done something to upset him/her. When really, it is more likely that person is having a hard morning and it has nothing to do personally against you.
  • Black and white thinking: Seeing things as one way or another with no in between.
  • Filter thinking: Choosing to see only the negative of a situation
  • Catastrophizing: Assuming the worst possible outcome is going to happen.

References: Psychology Today

3. Questioning your thoughts

We tend to make up stories in our heads and these stories become what we think is true. When we can step back and look at a different perspective then we can try to see the full picture and defuse the negative thoughts. If a good friend was telling you a story how would you react to what they were telling you? Try to put yourself in someone’s shoes and see if that can help.

Ask yourself:

  • Is this thought true?
  • Is this thought important?
  • Is this thought helpful?

4. Separate from negative thoughts

It is important to try and take breaks from negative thoughts and put in positive ones instead. I know this can be difficult and honestly it really takes practice, patience, self-awareness, and time. Take control of your thoughts and allow yourself a few minutes with the thought but then take a break and start focusing on something positive. When we spend too much time on these negative thoughts then they can completely take over and consume us, to the point we start to believe they are actually true.

5. Let go of the judgment!

I know it can be so easy to judge ourselves and put ourselves down without even realizing it. I feel like it is even harder now a days because of social media and social comparison. This happens to me especially while scrolling through my Instagram feed! I see how people are handling their Instagram for blogs and think wow mine sucks, it could be so much better! These people get to travel the world, ugh, I will never get to do that! I will never be that skinny! I feel so fat! I won’t ever get that promotion! I feel like all of us do this without even realizing sometimes and this can have a huge impact on your negative thought patterns. When you start to have these thoughts recognize your reaction to them, observe it, and then let it go. Another way, is when you are noticing you are judging yourself or someone else in a negative light then start to look for a positive quality as well.

6. Gratitude!

Practicing gratitude is by far one of the biggest helps when it comes to negative self-talk. I highly recommend meditation, writing in a journal, and yoga. These three things have helped me so much because you get time with yourself to really take a step back and be with your thoughts. You actually feel your breath and your heart beat. I always feel so grateful to even be alive and to be able to breathe. It’s those little things that can really put everything in perspective and help you see the bigger picture.

7. Starting the day with affirmations

I work at a yoga studio and one of the students I talk to could feel that I was very stressed. I was very stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. The next day, she gave me a note card with these journal prompts and affirmations and told me to give it a try. At first, I was like how will I have time to do this first thing in the AM? As we heard above I LOVE to snooze my alarm and usually am running late. What if I got up a little earlier and spent 5 min or less answering these questions? Well, I did and let me tell you it really did set the tone for the day and I encourage you to give them a try!

8. Focus on what your strengths are

I know it can be difficult to focus on what you are good at and especially because you don’t want to sound conceded. But let me tell you, it is okay to talk good about yourself and be confident! It is human nature to dwell on the negative and overlook the positive sometimes, but the more you practice focusing on your strengths and how to move forward then the easier it will be to feel positive about yourself. Sometimes, we look into the past and can be upset of how we handled situations, who we surrounded ourselves with, and any thing that has happened that has made us feel less then. I know it is easier said then done but you have to forgive yourself and know that you made that decision for a reason. Every single life decision happens for us and leads us on the right path. When we can be more self-aware and think, “I put myself in that situation because I didn’t have the healthy coping skills as a teen and that is the way I got by.” Sometimes, we didn’t know better or maybe didn’t even have a choice. That is okay! Love every single inch of you and your heart.

I want you to know that I am posting this because I have a really hard time with negative thought patterns. I don’t even realize how much I am negative but I am a lot. The other day, I was driving to the dog park with my Husband and I said, “I really have to go to the bathroom.” He said, “There is a bathroom there we will be there soon.” and then I said “No, they are probably closed because of COVID.” See what I did? I didn’t even wait until we got there to actually see and instead already made up my mind that they were closed! Did I do this to protect myself in case there really wasn’t and I peed my pants? Probably! There are a lot of situations like that where I always shut things down right away without giving it a chance. I know that this will take effort and practice and honestly will probably be a forever thing to work on. The thing is, if we can work at it little by little and realize that we are doing this and why then that makes all the difference. I would love to hear your thoughts below and I really hope this helps!

Love & Light,

Tuscany

Here is me after Yoga this morning feeling AMAZING!

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Anxiety · Mental Health · Panic Disorder · self-help · self-love

Anxiety & Panic Disorder

My story:

I have been so excited to speak on this topic because it is very special to me and I have quite a lot to say about it. Honestly, even though this post may seem like a lot- I have been through even more but by the time I tell you every single story I would have an entire book series. When I was younger I had no idea what anxiety or panic attacks were. I remember being fifteen when I had my first panic attack and I will never forget that moment. I remember feeling severe chest pain, excessive sweating, dizzy, and insane tunnel vision. I had no idea what was going on at the moment because I was so young and did not have that sort of awareness yet. This was after my grandparents who I lived with and helped raise me passed away one after another when I was starting Freshman year of High school. My dad decided to pick up and move us out of California and to North Carolina where it was cheaper. All of these huge life changes of losing my grandparents, moving, and leaving important relationships behind was very tough on a fifteen year old kid. I remember having several panic attacks my sophomore year of high-school but again, I had no idea what was going on. Shortly after living in North Carolina for a full month I moved back to California and lived with my sister. I basically told my parents I would kill myself if they kept me there with them. I was very behind in school and had to go to a continuation school in a not so great area of Orange County. I did not fit in there and felt scared most of the time. This is when depression set in and I started to go through A LOT of feelings this year. I was in a very toxic relationship with someone who was verbally and physically abusive. He would hold me down and choke me and hit my legs so people couldn’t see the bruises on my face. Force me to have sex when I didn’t want to…. I didn’t have parent supervision during this time since my parents were still in North Carolina and my sister was at work all the time. I would basically be able to do whatever I wanted and whenever. I remember wanting to be stoned so I wouldn’t have to feel what I was going through. I wanted to be completely numb to all of my feelings of fear, panic, stress, and anger. I was constantly sad and crying and I thought about killing myself regularly. I was also hanging around older people so I was introduced to a lot of different things during this time. Junior year came around and I got out of that toxic relationship by having to change my phone numbers, friends, and move from where I was living. The one thing that continued after that relationship was being on Xanax. I was introduced the previous year and I absolutely loved the way Xanax made me feel and I felt like I could handle anything when I was on it.

Senior year I started hanging out with the wrong crowds and was in another intense relationship. I also didn’t like going to school and had a lot of anxiety about facing other people. Soon after that I did independent studies which was only once a week. I graduated from a continuation school called Shores because of how behind I was in schoolwork. Thankful I graduated though! I didn’t like facing other people and having to explain to them why I was down it was really hard. I was very popular growing up and so I always felt like a lot of attention was on me and I had this image to be liked and be social. It started to become very draining being that person.

I got back together with someone from middle school who I loved a lot. He was sober at the time and I was trying to be as well. We loved each other and had a lot of great times together. Unfortunately, both of us were pretty broken and so as time went on and us being teenagers we fell into this toxic on and off relationship. A LOT of anxiety came from this relationship and created a lot of fear inside of me. The relationship really took a toll on me and many times he made me feel like I was worthless and that I would never be good enough. I lived with my mother again for a short time and that was a very toxic environment. We argued all the time and my mom was going through a lot of issues and had really bad mental health issues, and that is when the drinking started with her as well. I was constantly in survival mode and would stay at different friends houses or my boyfriends parents house. I remember having to sleep in my boyfriends car at times since his parents wouldn’t let me stay over because I had no where else to go. I never had stability and never knew when I was going to have to move, if I could afford rent, if my ex was going to leave me again, if my ex was going to upset me again, if my mom was going to be alive and well, and if my dad was going to recover from a quadruple bypass surgery or if him and I would have a relationship. Things started turning around when I was 18-19 and I moved to Santa Monica and started working for Red Bull. I met some really amazing people and this started to change my outlook on life. I felt confident and was around empowering women who lifted me up all the time. I was still dating that ex but this is when the cheating really begun and when he would cheat on me often and I would find out through his friends. He was in and out of trouble all the time so I was constantly on edge about getting a call from jail, or getting calls from his family to check how he was doing. He did a lot of really hurtful things to me that caused me a ton of anxiety and pain. A lot of verbal abuse happened in this relationship. He really tried to tear down my image of what people thought of me- but mainly he made me believe I was worthless and would never be good enough.

I will not say that I was perfect but when someone is that manipulating and puts you down, you start to believe it and then act out in certain ways for attention. Also, when you are already in such a low point in your life and don’t have self-esteem of course things are going to happen. He moved away and a few months later I followed him. I will spare all the details but he put me in a really terrible situation (I acknowledge that I did put myself there as well but still). Found out he was cheating on me, we got kicked out of the place were were staying and basically were homeless. I moved back in with my mom and had to sleep in the living room on a mattress and this was a really bad situation. My ex told his parents I stole their gas card (Even though he did- and had it the entire time and would fill up everyone’s gas tanks and trade it for money). So we were done- and I was always the one to blame! This put me in a really really dark space. He broke up with me, made his parents believed I was bad and crazy, and then I was back with my mother, and lost some really amazing friends since they didn’t agree with me moving there in the first place. I was very much in love with this person and the pain we kept putting each other through was really hard on me. Being in such a dysfunctional and intense relationship at that age really took a toll on me. I always just wanted to be loved but all I really knew was craziness and never had role models of a healthy relationship. My life was always crazy so that is exactly what I attracted into my life.

Shortly after this, “somebody” hacked my Facebook and put pictures up everywhere of me in lingerie. This was sent out to literally everyone. Family, co-workers, friends… and it was so humiliating. These photos were only for this one person- and I couldn’t believe this happened. It happened on my 20th birthday! It kept happening in and off and this was very traumatic for me. Being perceived to people as a “slut” or as someone who is worthless is a really terrible feeling. Especially when the one person you love is also telling you these things daily.

My anxiety was so bad that when I was 20 I ended up in the Hospital with stomach ulcers and a rash all over my body. I was so sick throwing up and basically pooping out a lot of blood and had to spend a week in the Hospital. I couldn’t hold down foods and was a complete wreck. I remember the Doctor being so shocked that I was only 20 but had ulcers. I knew why, because I was constantly stressing and on edge. It is crazy how connected our mind and body are! I didn’t have ways to manage my stress and I would hold a lot in. I didn’t have many people who understood me or good coping skills so it was really hard on me. When you are young and don’t understand these constant feelings of insecurity, instability, fear, and anxiety then it it easy to find ways to “not deal” with it. I would surround myself with people who partied and would go out and drink to forget how I was feeling. Sometimes I would drink too much and would end up blacking out. This led to a constant cycle of regret, fear, and non stop negative self-talk. This continued through my 20’s but I will spare you all the details but lets just say a lot of trauma happened.

I had a life altering experience happen to me about five years ago and that is when my anxiety got even worse. I will talk about this at a later post, but just know it was very traumatic and I have a lot of PTSD from it. This situation happened because of the build up of so much anxiety, panic, depression, self-doubt, and not feeling in control of my emotions and my life. I almost died in this situation and I will never forget that turning point of my life. This situation really opened my eyes and basically woke me up and kicked me in gear. After that, I moved to Georgia and moved away from the past in California. I was able to finally start dealing with all of these emotions and figure out why I was the way I was. I started to be very fearful of being in the car (because of a bad car accident), couldn’t be in party situations with previous friends, couldn’t be around certain people, and it was even hard to go into work some/most days. Even though I was away from all of my triggers, these feelings were still very much there and there was A LOT I needed to unpack and figure out.

In Georgia, we have a lot of thunderstorms and tornado warnings and scary weather situations give me extreme anxiety. I do not like situations that are out of my control and I have always been in survival mode. When you live in “fight or flight” mode for so long and you are just trying to survive- it is very hard to feel grounded and realize these fears are not in my control- but it is okay and I will be okay. I also notice there there has been many times my anxiety has been so bad about facing people when I feel down- and so I haven’t been able to go to work or complete daily tasks. It has been crippling many times… and that is when I call out “sick” but most of the time it is mentally sick… which usually isn’t as acceptable. This is why the past 6 months I’ve had to leave the corporate world and be in better jobs for my mental health.

There are a lot of situations till this day that I will have a huge panic attack over and I can’t handle life. I am constantly worried about losing the ones I love or something bad happening to them. I have been constantly worried about my parents even though it’s out of my control. I always want to control the outcome of situations, but when in reality I can only control how I respond to them. My husband travels a lot for work and I will obsess over if something happens while he is there. If I am going on a trip with girlfriends I obsess over every detail of what we are doing and I start to worry about how I will be able to handle these social situations. I have anxiety in my relationship/marriage now of whenever we would have a disagreement-if he was going to leave me. These are things that I was used to and conditioned to believe were okay. Understanding that this is not normal and to learn better ways to handle conflict. luckily, my Husband is so supportive and understanding. He knows about all of this and he has been a huge reason I have been able to heal and get better. He has loved me for me and he has treated me with so much respect, and is just such a loving and caring man. He makes me feel so confident and pushes me to be the best. I am so thankful I met such a wonderful man who I love so freaking much. He has helped me grow in so many ways.

What does Anxiety & Panic feel/look like?

FYI: I am not a Professional! These are the symptoms I have felt and personally go through. Please consult a Doctor to get evaluated 🙂

  • Over-analyzing
  • Over-reacting (You feel like you are- but do not put yourself down for this!)
  • Constant sweating
  • Constant worry of the future and past
  • Panic attacks
  • Obsessing
  • Anger
  • Frequent urination
  • High-blood pressure
  • Urge to drink water constantly
  • Feeling like you can’t breathe
  • A lot of “what if” questions
  • Hard to fall asleep, stay asleep, or sleeping too much
  • Crying
  • Taking everything personal all the time
  • Feeling not good enough
  • Feeling not in control
  • Restlessness
  • Nausea or stomach issues (mind and gut are connected)
  • Heart palpitations
  • Crying when under a lot of pressure
  • Indecisiveness
  • Having certain Phobias
  • Not being able to be around people (social anxiety)
  • Thinking of something bad happening
  • Asking a lot of questions because of the fear or what could happen
  • Living in regret
  • Isolation
  • Feeling guilt or shame

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY:

  • Don’t tell them to get over it
  • Don’t tell them not to worry
  • Don’t tell them they are freaking out for no reason
  • Don’t tell them they are creating their own reality with these worries
  • Don’t tell them they have nothing to worry about
  • Don’t tell them to chill out
  • Don’t tell them how they should feel
  • Don’t tell them “it’s no big deal”

Managing my Anxiety & Panic attacks

“Your Anxiety was your companion to survival when you needed it”- Athena

I will tell you right now that I am still working on it because it is something I will ALWAYS have to work on. This is apart of me and this will not just go away, BUT I have found ways to manage it and be able to live my life and not keep myself in my room all the time. My anxiety led to a lot of isolation and then that would lead to depression. I get very lonely and a lot of past emotions are stuck deep down inside of me. These mental illnesses are so intertwined because it is a chain affect. I would get anxiety about going out with my Dad but then the next day I would feel regret for not going, and be like “what if something happens to him” which that fear still is going, and then I would continue to not make plans with people, and then depression would set it. I would be sad that I wouldn’t see people I love and be upset at myself for not going. It was a constant cycle and I have started to acknowledge these feelings but accept them. It is okay if I don’t feel like going somewhere- and not to force myself to do things I don’t want to do. My intuition is so strong and anxiety is my intuitions way of telling me the situation is not good for me and to also honor when I am tired and need to stay home and rest. The people who love you should understand!

Therapy has been a huge help in me managing anxiety and I highly suggest it for people. I started with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which retrains your mind to go in a different direction. You discuss different situation and they give you the tools on how to understand why you are thinking a certain way, actually process it, and then change your way of thinking. I started going to therapy once a week for 4 years so believe me it really takes time and patience with yourself. I no longer hide these fears and I think it is very important to honor yourself and not put yourself in situations you do not want to be in. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH is important and if someone is a threat to that then you need to set boundaries or discontinue the relationship. I also started to cut out people who were bad for my mental health and only surround myself with people who I could be my true self with. For so long, I wanted all these friends and people to like me but now I’ve learned that I would rather have fewer friends who won’t judge me or make me feel less then. Being around people you can be honest with and who really love you is very important. When you have a great support system and ones who understand your mental health- then it really helps. I am so thankful for some of my friends because they know I have anxiety and so when I start to get anxious and ask a lot of questions- or if I disappear and don’t talk to them, they understand and will not cut me off for it. They will check on me and ask how I am doing and genuinely care about how I am. I have been practicing yoga for 10 years but let me tell you when I constantly go to yoga, then my anxiety and panic are a lot less. I feel a lot more confident and I can manage my stress better- so I highly recommend trying if you haven’t yet!

I know that I have went through a lot in my life and it all started at such a young age. I never had stability or people to count on when I needed them the most. I quickly got into bad relationships with people who I wanted to “complete me” and then would end up lowering my worth to people who did not deserve it. Always being in survival mode and having to just continue to make money to pay bills and to survive really took over my life. I wasn’t able to just be a kid and always had to be the responsible one for MYSELF to survive. I was a parent to my own parents when I needed parents the most. This is why I wasn’t able to truly process what I have been through and why so much built up. Even though I have stability now in my life and my own house- I still unintentionally have fears and things I worry about. When you use anxiety to survive most of your life then you are used to those ways of handling/ thinking about situations. I am so thankful now that therapy has given me the tools to finally deal with these things and to completely transform my life. I have more acceptance when it comes to my parents, and am starting to learn that they had their own issues they were dealing with. They loved me but they both had depression and other issues and it was difficult for them to even love themselves. I think when we start to have compassion for people and start to understand why they do or don’t do things, then we can actually learn forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt not having them there for me when I needed it, or that I didn’t need more structure from them- or that certain relationships that treated me badly didn’t freaking hurt to my core (or that I’m making excuses for them) but in order for me to heal it is about forgiveness and having empathy for others. I have truly forgiven my ex for all of the hurt and we’ve actually had discussions about things at an older age and I feel a lot of closure and I use it as a learning experience. I’m thankful for these experiences because it’s made me who I am today. I am starting to listen to myself more and be grateful for all of these experiences. I know what is best for my life and SO DO YOU. I have forgiven myself for putting myself in bad situations and lowering my standards. I have forgiven myself for being a certain way and not treating myself good. Never let anyone tell you how to handle your life or that you don’t deserve greatness, because you DO! I am very grateful for all of the challenges because now I am able to help others and share my stories.

What helps my Anxiety?

(FYI, I am now an Affiliate with Amazon! All of my recommendations will be highlighted as a link. Click that link and it will go directly to the product I recommend from Amazon)

  • Knowledge of anxiety- and knowing the symptoms and how to overcome them
  • Therapy
  • Mindfulness
  • DBT workbook: Click on that for the direct link to Amazon. This gives you a bunch of exercises and teaches you mindfulness and what your triggers are/ and how to overcome them
  • Yoga (helps sooo much!)
  • Meditation: There are a lot of great apps out there! I love Insight timer
  • Journals. Here are some I recommend, Zen as F*ck: A Journal for Practicing the mindful art of not giving a Sh*it, The Anxiety Journal, Present, Not Perfect: A Journal for slowing down, letting go, and loving who you are, The Mindfulness Journal for Anxiety:Daily prompts and practices to find peace
  • Diet adjustments- Whenever I eat clean and healthy I have less anxiety and feel a lot better. Too much fast food and salt make me feel worse
  • Less Caffeine: I have switched to matcha green tea or pure green tea
  • Check out my website with Arbonne (click this link to go directly to my site and purchase) I LOVE the energy fizz sticks and they don’t give me anxiety after drinking them
  • CBD Oil: I am an affiliate with this brand click the CBD oil link to go directly to the product
  • Herbal remedies: St John’s Wart, Magnesium, Valerian root, L-Theanine, B Complex, Ashwagandha, Melatonin, Fish oil
  • Probiotics: The gut is very connected to your mind…healthy gut/healthy mind 🙂 Grass fed Collagen Peptides with Type 1 & 3 Probiotics from Garden of Life
  • Take baths! Dr. Teal Epsom salt soaking solution Lavender
  • Essential Oils! I love lavender oil and I keep a diffuser next to my bed when I sleep and one at my desk
  • Weighted blankets if you get anxiety at night time
  • Medication: I had to use medication like SSRI’s for awhile which help with anxiety and depression, sleeping medication, & medication for panic attacks (Please discuss with a professional about this)
  • Support groups: There are so many support groups online. I love Peak of Panic. I am in a group me with 300 others and you can talk about how you are feeling that day- and share stories and share tips to others. Follow her on Instagram and ask to join her group
  • Being more assertive: Speak up about your boundaries and expectations for others. Let people know your triggers and how you feel about certain things. This has helped me a lot!
  • Get enough sleep
  • COLD RAGS! When I have a panic attack and get really hot..then I love getting a rag and making it wet and putting it either on my forehead or back of neck…it really soothes me
  • List your fears and put them in order. Least to worst: and explain why these are your fears? It is nice to have it down on paper to really see what is going on
  • Have a good support system of people you can trust and rely on
  • A schedule: Having a schedule really helps me but I can’t overwork myself or else I get too stressed and my anxiety builds up
  • Time management: Give yourself an extra 15 min in the morning to wake up. Whenever I rush out the door then my anxiety doubles and I start to get angry
  • Don’t put yourself in situations you don’t want to be in: YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE! Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not doing something
  • When having a panic attack: Take control of your breathing and start counting to 50. Keep your mind focused on your breath. Breathe, touch, and smell. Use your basic senses and use whatever you have to get your mind to focus on that- instead of the worry
  • Walking: Walking at least 4-5 times a week has helped me so much. Being out in nature really calms my mind and exercise is really good for anxiety
  • Do not drink: I know whenever I drink alcohol it makes me feel worse and can lead to a lot of anxiety
  • Make lists of what you need to get done
  • Set time out of everyday to take at least 5-10 minutes to be with yourself and breathe
  • Have compassion with yourself

Books I recommend:

Clink the links to go directly to Amazon to purchase

I believe in you!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I really hope that my story can help you feel less alone in this. I am always here if you need extra support or have any questions. You are not alone in this and you can manage this with the right help. Do not be afraid to ask for help! Speak up to people and let them know what you are going through. Take deep breaths. Also, I would love to hear from you and your experiences with anxiety. I am here if you want to share your story! 🙂

Love & light,

Tuscany

long-distance · loving yourself · marriage tips · self-love

Practicing Self-Love while in a partnership

I feel like this topic is very important and I want to show the ups and the downs of being away from your partner. I hope to show you ways that have helped me to cope with it and to look at the positive side of it. Even if you are not personally in this situation this will be great learning of self-love and how to love yourself and be okay on your own even when you are in a committed relationship. Too often we rely on our partner for our essential happiness, but once we lose that relationship then we completely fall apart. What if we could fall in love with ourselves instead? What if we put the love into ourselves that we freely give to others? I have learned that you must love yourself first no matter what. This doesn’t mean it is easy to do and I feel like it is something you have to work on constantly, but it is very necessary.

My husband has a job that requires a lot of travel and sometimes he will be gone for a week, two weeks, or even up to a full month. Sometimes these jobs are international which creates a huge time difference and that can make it difficult to be able to talk often. He isn’t the best with technology like calling or texting so that makes it even harder sometimes. He has had this job since the beginning of our relationship so I knew what I was getting into, but it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard to accept. When you first date someone you want to spend all of your time with them right? You are so excited and this is when the momentum needs to continue in order for the relationship to keep going. At the time, he was my boyfriend and we dated for 2 weeks before he had to go out on a long job. He went overseas and I remember us texting all the time and it is so exciting, but I missed him. Some time passed by and he continued to travel and some jobs were harder than others. A few months in, I started to doubt the relationship because we would spend time apart and my mind would go crazy. I wondered if he wanted to be with me or if I was good enough, and if I would ever have someone who truly loved me and wouldn’t leave. In my head, he was physically leaving and even though it was for a job I still had these self-doubts and felt like I was being completely left. This comes from a long line of trauma and past experiences. I was so scared to lose this, and in previous relationships, I spent all of my time with them so that is what I was used to. I would spend every minute with them and my identity was them, and when things went south in that relationship I felt completely broken inside. I felt broken for years and it is something I still struggle with having that self-love. From a young age, I felt like a partner completes you and that love is everything. This really sets people up to fail because we think that someone else is responsible for our own happiness, and when that doesn’t happen then we are completely destroyed.

          All of these doubts and lack of self-love have gone into every relationship and every dating experience I have. I always just wanted to be loved and focused so hard on that. The thing is, with him traveling it actually forced us to have hard conversations and to openly communicate about how we were feeling. This is something that was new to me and felt so amazing. I felt like, wow this person isn’t going to leave me and he actually wants to talk through it and work through it? I was so confused! I was so used to breaking up, getting back together, and relationships just being pure CHAOS. We were forced to work hard at it and to work at it every day and we quickly learned a lot about one another. I think the time apart for us was really good for our relationship and it set a strong foundation for us to build on.

          Time went by and we ended up getting married and so you would think all the insecurities would be out the window, right? It is not like I have ever been worried about him being with anyone else, it is more just trying to live day to day life without him. This past year he left for a month on an international trip, and let me tell you this was one of the hardest months of my entire life. I was feeling so down and got into a deep depression. The one person I needed couldn’t be there physically, and because of the time difference, we hardly were able to talk. All of my insecurity came back and I felt completely alone, and was so mad thinking is this how it is going to be forever? I can’t do this by myself and I don’t want to. I was so down that I was even suicidal….. and that is so scary! These feelings were rooted in years and years of feeling alone and unworthy. I went back to feeling alone in life, and that I will always be alone. Even though I have this amazing husband out working his butt off for US and our life, and I am sitting here feeling completely lifeless because I am alone. When he would come home, I would want to spend all my time with him that I wouldn’t even want to leave the house to go to yoga, or dinner with my dad. This is something that I had to work on as well because I have to keep living my life even when he is here. Another thing that is hard is that we have missed each other birthdays, big events, Valentine’s day, and other things because of his traveling. That makes it very hard and I can’t express some of the sadness I have felt during those times. Sometimes I think…”I finally have this amazing guy and love, and enjoy him so much but can’t fully have him around all the time.” This was a really hard concept for me, and sometimes still is.

          After this experience, I started to have a lot of realizations that have completely saved me and saved us in a relationship. While he was gone and when he is home, I started living my life. I started going to yoga more, making more friends, creating a routine, and focusing on me. I realized he can not be my sole purpose and happiness. He brings so much happiness and love to my life, just like I am sure your partner does but it doesn’t mean they should be your entire happiness. That is so unrealistic and it really sets you up to start feeling so alone and in a situation like I was in. I can write this now and say how much happier I have been with myself and in general. I have found ways to cope with him being gone, and I have started to look at the bright side of things. I am not saying it is easy, or ever will be because I love him and miss him but I am saying I can survive and thrive on my own as well. He is about to leave again for a month and I have so much anxiety even thinking about it, but I know I will be okay because I have done it before and I will continue to do it and survive.

          I think this is important for anyone to do even if their partner doesn’t travel. So often, I hear when my friends tell me their partner is going out of town for a few days and they feel like they can’t survive or don’t know what they will do with themselves. I am like I HAVE BEEN THERE; I GET IT! Although, I hope that everyone can enjoy the time on their own and have fun with it. YOU CAN SURVIVE without another person, and you can enjoy it too. I think movies like Romeo and Juliet have screwed up our generation, and all of the other love movies of people not being able to like to breathe without the other person. This is for you single people out there too! ENJOY this time by yourself and if you really focus on loving yourself, then the right partner will come by and one who will truly love you. If you love yourself, everything else falls into place.

          He and I don’t have children yet so I know that will be a completely different story and one of the reasons we have waited to have kids. I am terrified of having a child and him being gone a lot, especially because I don’t have too much support here in Georgia. I do however have a very highly active and crazy dog so I have gotten a taste of what it would be like, and it is really hard. It is really hard because you start to get momentum in the relationship and have a routine and then the routine is all over the place once the traveling starts. Accept this and continue to do what you need to do even when they are gone.

          The thing I want everyone to take away from this is that please make yourself happy first no matter what. If you can’t make yourself happy then nobody else can, and you will set such high expectations and get let down every time. I promise you the relationship will do so much better if you both have that sense of independence and security. I can’t believe after 15 years of trying to figure this out, that I finally am understanding it. I think this is why this situation was put in my life so I could work through it, and realize the person that I have needed this whole time, was myself.

          If this is something you are struggling with, I am here to talk, but in the meantime, here are some tips to cope that have helped me!

How to Thrive On Your Own

  • DATE YOURSELF! Take yourself on a date and get dressed up. Even cook yourself dinner at home and add some wine and enjoy
  • Keep yourself busy!
  • Therapy- Therapy helps me a lot with this
  • Take care of yourself! Pamper and nurture yourself. Go to yoga, baths, walks, face masks, or whatever else you enjoy
  • Hang out with friends and family! This made a huge difference for me. I started to meet more people and reach out more and it has helped to not be alone constantly
  • Enjoy your time alone and love being with yourself
  • If you are missing the intimate time- then please yourself! Hello, that’s what vibrators are for!
  • Create and get creative- do a project or do something that you can spend time doing and something you enjoy
  • Clean, organize and knock things off your to-do list
  • Binge-watch all your favorite shows and enjoy
  • Get involved- for me Soulful Sunday this event my friends put on has helped me have a sense of community and people to rely on and trust. If you need the church, or any kind of community get together
  • Take this time to make phone calls and catch up with friends and family (especially for me since I am a long-distance from them)
  • Go on a road trip! Take a trip by yourself and enjoy the heck out of it
  • Write about how you feel and get it all out and on paper
  • Learn new recipes and cook more
  • Try out new work out classes
  • Read a new book

How to THRIVE in your relationship from a distance

  • Write letters and put it in their luggage so they can read at different times. Every year on Valentine’s day I write my husband a ton of “open when” letters. He has ones that he can open when he is sad, misses me, stressed out, needs a laugh, needs some love, needs a funny story, etc. I will fill them with pictures of us, and even some coupons he can use when we see each other. This shows your partner how much you care, and it goes a very long way
  • Discuss your needs with your partner and make sure they know what you expect so you can be on the same page
  • Understand that your partner is there for work and not for fun- and he will be exhausted and he can’t always talk (this was a hard thing for me to learn) but for the one who is traveling to understand your side of it too, and to listen to you and be empathetic
  • Spend quality time when they are home
  • Be open and honest about how your feeling so you don’t build up resentment
  • Know that this will not last forever- and it is to better your future and your relationship
  • Make sure to keep the romance alive and send flirty texts!
  • Call when you say you’re going to call- and make sure you see that time as important
  • Trust your partner
  • Continue to express your love for one another
  • Travel with your partner if you get the chance to
  • My husband sucks at technology, but for the ones that are better at it I feel it is important to schedule skype dates
  • Don’t feel like you have to talk 24/7 because that is unrealistic. Appreciate the small convos even if they are short and once a day
  • Go to the airport and pick them up! Even though the airport is about an hour away I enjoy being there when he returns- and enjoy dropping him off. That is the extra time I get to spend with him and he appreciates that I am there
  • Realize that you still have your partner, even from miles away and appreciate that you have a hard worker and someone who loves you

I really hope this helps and if you have any questions please reach out! If I can do this, I know that you can too and I have faith in your journey. Thank you for reading and taking the time to support me because it truly means the world.

Love and light,

xoxo

Tuscany