Understanding Bipolar Disorder

Understanding Bipolar Disorder

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I was really triggered this week by the news of Kanye West publicly going on “rants” and saying a lot of things that seemed “out there” to people. I noticed a lot of hate against him and a lot of memes making fun of him. Kanye was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about four years ago and publicly had a manic disorder which is symptom of bipolar. I am not excusing hurtful words he said or words that anyone says during a mania episode, but it is important we understand the mental illness aspect. A lot of people struggle with bipolar and some people are misdiagnosed and some know they are bipolar but are to embarrassed to share that they have it or struggle to believe that they do. To be honest, I have called Kanye crazy and have been like what is going on with this guy!? It is human nature to judge when we don’t understand the full gravity of the situation or what is truly going on with an individual. He is a celebrity and so it is easy for the media and people to tear him and his family apart. This is why empathy is so important to have and I have to even remind myself this as well.

The thing is, why did this recently trigger me? I have had an unbelievably emotional past couple months. Well let’s be real the past ten years. My mom was diagnosed with Bipolar a few weeks ago and so this hit extra hard. I have dealt with her for all my life but in the last ten years it has been very difficult to have a relationship with her. It has been difficult for her to want to live because of her intense mood swings. My mom used to go to a Psychiatrist back in Iowa who was pumping her with prescriptions but not finding the real problem. She has always been very depressed, anxious, excited, mood swings, sleeps for days, manic episodes, delusions, obsessions, rants, conspiracy theories, etc. A few weeks ago, she was suicidal because she just wanted the pain to go away and didn’t think she would ever get better. This broke my heart to hear and scared the heck out of me. I immediately called the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. I was able to speak to a trained professional and figure out what to do. When someone says they don’t want to live anymore WE HAVE TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY! This can be so overwhelming and in the moment of panic it can be hard to know what to do. They were able to recommend a hospital for her to put her on a 72 hour hold, then to inpatient, and hopefully outpatient after. Finally, the Doctor said my mom has diagnosed bipolar but was never diagnosed properly. He said he can’t believe that previous Doctors never diagnosed her before. I did a lot of research on bipolar so I could better understand it and now it all makes SO much sense.

Here is some of my research on bipolar to help everyone better understand it and to spread awareness about it but tune in to the bottom where I share more of my experience of being the daughter of someone who has it and how it has mentally impacted me and my family.

What is Bipolar?

Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, concentration, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks (National Institute of Mental Health, 2020)

Bipolar, is also known as manic depression, and is a chronically recurring condition involving moods that swing because the highs of mania and the lows of depression. Depression is the most pervasive feature of the illness. The manic phase usually involves a mix of irritability, anger, and depression, with or without euphoria. When euphoria is present, it may manifest unusual energy and overconfidence, playing out in in the bouts of spending or promiscuity, among other behaviors.

Misdiagnosed is common; the condition is often confused with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, schizophrenia, or borderline personality disorder. Biological factors probably create vulnerability to the disorder with certain individuals, and experiences such as sleep deprivation can kick off manic episodes. (Psychology Today, 2020)

(This part really got me because my mom was diagnosed ADD when she was in Iowa and they pumped her full of medication for it and a very high dose. The Doctor makes a lot of money on Pharmaceuticals and so instead of caring for the patient it can be all about the money, unfortunately. I even thought my mom was schizophrenic because of her intense conspiracy theories; which schizophrenia is usually diagnosed in these situations since they don’t look into further testing for bipolar)

3 Types of Bipolar Disorders

• Bipolar I Disorder– Defined by manic episodes that last at least 7 days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting 2 weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features (having depressive symptoms and manic symptoms the same time) are also possible.
• Bipolar II Disorder– Defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypo-manic episodes, but not the full-blown manic episodes that are typical Bipolar I Disorder.
• Cyclothymic Disorder (Cyclothymia) – Defined by periods of hypo mania symptoms as well as periods of depressive symptoms lasting for at least two years (1 year in children and adolescents)

Signs and Symptoms

During manic episodes they may:

• Feel very “up,” “high,” elated, or irritable or touchy
• Feel “jumpy or “wired”
• Have decreased need for sleep
• Loss of appetite
• Talk very fast about a lot of different things
• Feel like their thoughts are racing
• Think they can do a lot of things at once
• Do risky things that show poor judgement, such as eat and drink excessively, spend or give away a lot of money, or have reckless sex
• Feel like they are unusually important, talented, or powerful

During depressive episodes they may:

• Feel very sad, “down,” empty, worried, or hopeless
• Feel slowed down or restless
• Having trouble falling asleep, wake up too early, or sleep too much
• Experience increased appetite and weight gain
• Talk very slowly, feel like they have nothing to say, forget a lot
• Having trouble concentrating or making decisions
• Feel unable to do even simple things
• Have little interest in almost all activities, a decreased or absent sex drive, or inability to experience pleasure
• Feel hopeless or worthless, think about death or suicide

(Sometimes people may experience both manic and depressive symptoms in the same episode)

Diagnosis

Proper diagnosis and treatment can help people with bipolar disorder lead healthy and active lives. Talk to a Doctor or other licensed health care professional first. The Doctor can do a complete physical exam and medical tests to rule out other conditions. A mental evaluation is important as well and then referral to a trained mental health care provider, such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker.

Treatments

Certain medications can help manage symptoms of bipolar disorder and it may take trying a few different medications before finding one that works best. These generally include mood stabilizers and atypical anti psychotics. Other medications can help with sleep and anxiety. Health care professionals will often prescribe antidepressant medications to treat depressive episodes. Combining the antidepressant with a mood stabilizer can help prevent a triggering manic episode.

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy, is also called talk therapy and can be an effective part of the treatment plan. Psychotherapy is a term for a variety of treatment techniques that try to help a person identify and change troubling emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. They can provide support, education, and guidance to people with bipolar disorder and their families. Treatment may also include CBT or Cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Everyday things you can do to help

• Regular Exercise
• Keeping a life chart: keeping track of moods and talking with a licensed provider
• Therapy
• A structured and regular schedule
• Healthy environment
• Safe outlets to talk to

What causes Bipolar Disorder?

Genetic and environmental factors can create vulnerability to bipolar disorder. Life events like childhood trauma are thought to play a huge role in bipolar disorder. Research know that once bipolar disorder occurs, traumatic events precipitate its recurrence. Incidents of interpersonal difficulty and abuse are most commonly associated with triggering the disorder. I have noticed that unresolved trauma really plays a part in bipolar which is important for individuals to try and work through the trauma, in order to help manage the manic or depressive episodes.

Resources

Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 which is available 24/7

Crisis Hotline: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor 24/7

If you are thinking about harming yourself or thinking about suicide

• Tell someone who can help right away
• Call your licensed mental health professional if you are already working with one
• Call your doctor or health care provider
• Go to the nearest hospital emergency department or call 911

If a loved one is considering suicide

• Do not leave him or her alone
• Try to get a loved one to seek immediate help from a Doctor, health care provider or nearest hospital or call 911
• Call the suicide hotline (that’s what I did and they were a wonderful help)
• Remove access to firearms or other potential tools for suicide, including medications

Coping with Bipolar Disorder

• Get treatment and stick with it. It takes time and its not easy but it is necessary
• Keep medical and therapy appointments
• Take all medicines as directed
• Structure activities: keep a routine for sleeping and eating, and exercise
• Learn to recognize your mood swings and warning signs, like decreased sleep
• Ask for help when trying to stick with your treatment
• Be patient; improvement takes time. Social support helps
• Avoid misuse of alcohol and drugs.

How it has impacted me and my family

I have been dealing with this emotional roller coaster since high-school but my mom has lived in Iowa and hasn’t physically been around for years. I always prayed for her and hoped one day we could have a good relationship. There are other factors of why we haven’t had a relationship but I know a huge one is because of mental illness. It has been hard for me to be emphatic to her because of some hurtful things she has said to me and how she has been missing out of my life for the past 10 years. We have gotten into a lot of arguments and it can be difficult on me and on her. I get mad when she sleeps all day and get mad when she does other things that I don’t agree with. I am frustrated with the mental health system right now. I finally got her some help and she agreed but the inpatient facility she was in was horrible. The workers treated them bad, there were constant fights that would break out, and my mom felt unsafe so she left. I don’t blame her but it’s so disappointing how the system failed her. When someone doesn’t have money they are put into terrible facilities and really just comes down to money. We aren’t rich and don’t have the means to put her in a good treatment center but I wish she could get actual help. I know she would succeed if she was in the right environment that cared for her and made her feel safe. She has always been a great mother and she has a heart of gold. She means really well and she is one of the most selfless people I know. I wish she knew how wonderful she truly was and how we all need her. My brother and sister love her a lot too and I am thankful to have my sister to talk to about all of it. We will not give up on our mom. We know that she can be better but sometimes it gets very discouraging that she won’t. When she recently came back into my life in Georgia a few months ago I was so excited to have her around but I knew it wouldn’t be easy. It wouldn’t be easy to be to connect right away, it wouldn’t be easy to relive a lot of past pain and trauma, it wouldn’t be easy for me to watch her suffer, it wouldn’t be easy for me to watch this roller coaster of emotions, and it hasn’t been easy. I struggle between wanting to do everything I can to help and feeling like I can save her or fix her but then I struggle with knowing that I can only do so much.

Loving someone who has mental illness is really freaking hard and especially when you deal with mental illness yourself. I am diagnosed with anxiety, panic, depression, and PTSD. I am still working through some of my own experiences and trying to heal and be the best person I can be. For years, I stayed away from my mom and other people because I had to set boundaries for my own physical and mental health. To be honest, I am scared to even speak on this publicly for the retaliation I may get. I know that this is personal and some of this isn’t my story to tell, but my heart strings are pulling on me that it needs to be shared. People need to start to do more research, ask more questions and have more empathy. I am trying to have more empathy but the fact I am a very emphatic person means I need to set boundaries and make sure I am taking care of my mental health and myself first. These past few weeks have been really draining and I have had a lot of anxiety. We don’t know what the outcome will be but I will keep praying and hoping for recovery and for change. I will keep learning about bipolar and many other disorders. For the ones who are feeling like me, just know you are not alone! Make sure to go to therapy, journal, baths, walks, breaks from your phone, learn to say no, and take moments for you.

Thank you for reading and I hope this blog post can spread more awareness and help someone in need. Feel free to comment or reach out to me if you would like to discuss this more!

Love & Light,

Tuscany

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Choose Empathy

“We want to be there for others but not lose ourselves in the process”

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This topic is important to me and especially during these times it is crucial we learn how to choose empathy. What is empathy anyway? It’s a very complex word but basically it is the ability to understand and share feelings of another person and being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It is truly amazing to have this level of understanding and skill but it can come with some downsides if you don’t fully take control of it and understand it. I decided to research more about empathy because honestly, I knew I have the skill set of putting myself in someone else’s shoes but to what extent is it harmful to our mental and physical health?

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3 Types of Empathy:

• Cognitive: “Perspective taking.” Knowing how the other person feels or putting yourself in their shoes.
• Emotional: Feeling someone else’s emotions physically almost like they are contagious. This level can be overwhelming to take over the full emotions and mental state of another
• Compassionate: We understand someone’s tough situation and want to help (basically considering the whole person) This is the “ideal” level of empathy to have. When someone comes to you in tears about a situation and you want to provide comfort and help in any way you can but using your intelligent side of knowing how to handle the situation and not fully take on all the emotions of the other person.

I was so shocked to hear that there are 3 different levels of this but wow it honestly made sense!

Benefits of being empathetic:

• Being able to be there for someone else and help
• Being trusted by another person
• Being a good listener
• Being a good support system for someone
• Someone feels seen or heard by you
• Reduces stress
• Healing
• Personal growth
• Nourishes connections and deepens bonds
• More awareness
• Compassion for others
• Love
• Transforms conflict to support
• Makes a positive social change

Negative impacts of being empathetic:

• Can cause deep suffering
• Can put you in a dark mental space
• Emotionally taking on the hurt of others
• Caring a lot and not being able to not give your all to someone
• Difficult on mental and physical well-being
• Rational decision making issues
• Feelings of guilt
• Sadness
• Depression/ anxiety/ panic disorder
• Insomnia
• Making excuses for others
• Obsessing over situations
• Drama
• Anger or frustration
• Isolation
• Getting taken advantaged of
• Not having boundaries
• Losing money or anything you have to help someone else

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Honestly, I have always been an empathic person and it is something that has really shaped who I am to the core. I have been through really tough life challenges and I can relate to people on some deep personal levels which has been a really good thing in a lot of ways. Many people have opened up to me and trusted me with some really personal and sad stories which I am so grateful they feel comfortable sharing with me. I have been able to be there for a lot of my friends and family. I try not to judge and over the years I have tried to listen more then just respond. I know that this is a good quality to have because I see the best in people and have a lot of patience (which a lot of people struggle with). It has helped me as well to learn what other people go through, how they cope, how they struggle, and they have helped give me tips to help me in my mental health journey. They have made me realize things about myself in that process and have taught me patience and understanding. The thing is, I have really struggled with being too empathic and it has been a huge reason I get so anxious and depressed. I think because I have been through so much and care so much that I am in stage 2 of empathy of physically taking on the feelings of someone else but constantly working to be at stage 3.

For so long, I would listen to personal issues from family members or whoever and it would make me sad to my core. I would sit there and worry and stress and try to think of solutions for them. I would talk about it with many different people and get people worked up and get myself worked up and upset in the process. I would sit there and cry and feel so sad for whoever to the point it would leave me in a dark depression for days to weeks. I would sit there and worry about someone so much but then all of a sudden they would tell me that they are fine and everything is solved. I wonder, “why in the heck did I sit here trying to come up with a solution if it wasn’t a big deal to begin with and they are fine!?” or they would disappear and I would sit there and worry about if they are alive or how they are doing yet no response. It would literally PISS me off. I felt so taken advantage of and was mad at myself for caring so much. It started to put me in an anger phase of my healing where I would distance myself from anyone who brought this into my life and would shut them out. I would start to not care and really change the way I handled these situations. The thing is, I am not an angry person and I don’t want to shut people out! I want to still be myself and be able to be caring and listen to what people are going through but I knew I couldn’t physically take it on anymore because of my mental health. I really think because I have suffered so deeply and I know how it feels that I don’t want the ones I love to suffer so I want to help. I don’t want the ones I love in pain plain and simple.

I started to go to therapy and the biggest thing I learned was how to set boundaries with my loved ones. This did not go well with some people who do not understand or like boundaries because that means they can’t throw all their shit on me anymore to absorb and I wouldn’t sit there and feel sorry for them. My therapist taught me to literally tell the people, “okay, you have 5 minutes to talk about this and then I don’t want to hear about it again.” SETTING A BOUNDARY! I want to hear you out and be there for you but I will not let it consume every conversation we have and be the #1 person you dump out all your drama too. (Also, I am not talking about someone struggling with mental health or something, mainly talking about people who constantly have drama in their life and feed off that drama and enjoy it- and make big deals out of things and then say aren’t a big deal, and say one thing and do another, etc!) This also means not answering calls if I cant mentally listen to it and to not feel bad about that. To be okay saying no or that I will call you back when I can. Setting boundaries was the healthiest thing I could have done for myself and it is an act of self-care and self-love. You can still be there for someone and support them without taking on the emotional rollercoaster towards your mental health. I have always been a people pleaser and I have wanted to be liked which meant I would invite drama in just to be liked and I would allow people to suck the energy out of me. I would worry SO much about someone else that I would forget about the most important person in my life, and that was me. I realized I wasn’t taking good care of MY mental health and I wasn’t doing anyone any good by worrying about their problems.

I feel like a huge part of my anxiety and depression and have been from worrying about my loved ones (mainly family). I wanted so badly to control the outcome and for them to be okay. I thought I could save them and by me being there that they would make a change. Instead, it almost completely broke me down to the point I didn’t even know how to be there for myself. This has taken a lot of time, therapy, tears, frustrations, arguments, self-discipline, self-awareness, trial and error, boundaries, and self-love. Sometimes, I ended up being so distant from people because they are not understanding my boundaries and I don’t know how else to show them so I just stay away.

I want you to know that being an empathic person is such a true gift and the world needs more of us. People need someone who truly cares and wants to be there for them. They need someone to try to understand or not talk down on them when they are expressing their worries. Especially right now, the world needs more people to understand how others are struggling and how some situations are a lot harder then others. It is SO great to have a deep care for people and want to help them heal or get better.

ALTHOUGH, realize that you can’t change anyone nor should you want or have to. Love someone for who they are and accept them for where they are at. Continue to be you and show your heart to the world.

Be there for people, listen, truly care, try to ask more questions, try to see their side before forcing your own situations of what you been through on them (but use this as a tool to relate if they need guidance), understand that even though you are OK and these aren’t your fears that they are someone else’s and they are VALID. How you feel is VALID! Never let someone undermine you or make you feel like you are making a big deal for nothing because that is not true.

The takeaway from this is, continue to be you but know how to set boundaries, try not to physically take on someone else’s pain, know that just by you listening is enough, know that you are helping others, know when its time to take a step back, know when you need to focus on you, be okay with not answering a phone call or calling someone back right away, learn how to say no in a kind way, learn how to communicate with people if you’re too emotionally depleted to take on anything more, understand that we can only do so much for someone, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, people are going to do whatever they want no matter how much advice or how many times you have told them and that’s OK, people might be in worse situations but that doesn’t mean your situation isn’t bad! Try to see other perspectives and see where someone is coming from before you judge them or completely shut down their feelings or ideas.

I learned that it was important to take care of my life first and make sure that I am mentally and physical stable. I needed to put MYSELF and my Husband first because that is my core family. I needed to take time away from people who emotionally drained me and to try not to feel guilty or let others make me feel guilty for not being there. Guide people in the right direction and love them but know that I can’t change the outcome of the situation. I am choosing to live a happy life and one that I will continue to learn and work hard at everyday. I am not perfect and I am still learning….I still have my weaknesses especially when it comes to my parents. It is important to not project your anger on someone else and judge someone else for their situation. Ask more questions and try to understand why they are doing what they are doing. Most importantly, don’t forget to take care of yourself and put your needs first. Have patience for yourself and know that you are making a difference in the world just by that!

I feel like there is still so much more on this topic but I will leave it at this for now..I would love to hear your journey or your thoughts so feel free to comment, send me an email, or message and we can chat more.

We are collectively going through a hard time right now so have empathy for one another. Spread love! Instead of quickly judging someone and commenting something mean on their post- take a step back and wonder why is this upsetting me? Why do I want to post this? Is this nice? Is this kind? Is this necessary? If not, then maybe try to see things from a different light and ask more questions and send a private message and have a conversation. We are all struggling with different things during this Pandemic and with life in GENERAL so just be kind yall!

Thank you for your constant support and love. I am so grateful to have this blog to be able to share this with you and to be more vulnerable in hopes to help someone else.

Love & Light,

Tuscany

Self-care During A Pandemic

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”

I can’t believe what is going on in the world right now and 2020 has already been such a weird year. Most of us went into 2020 with New Year resolutions and goals with the excitement of a fresh slate to conquer anything. Obviously, none of us expected this pandemic to happen and most of us are really struggling with it. My hope for this post is to give you some self-care and self-love tips that you can use right now and carry with you afterwards in everyday life.

We are so used to staying busy with going out, being around friends/family, having a routine, and constantly being on the go. It is necessary for us to be productive and be on the go so we can financially afford to support ourselves and for our overall mental health. We love to plan ahead and know what the future holds or else it can cause some panic and anxiety. A lot of us are planners and love to have our weekend planned out, from going to brunch with friends or going to a concert. We are social creatures and we need others and crave that human touch. A lot of us do not have extra money saved up and we basically live pay check to pay check. Some of us are working still and are on the front lines like healthcare workers, grocery store clerks, and any essential businesses. Some people do long distance with a loved one and can’t travel to go see them. People have had to cancel their weddings, birthdays, and other important events. Some people have low immune systems and are terrified of getting sick. Some people are working for the airline and still having to travel with the worry of getting sick. Some people are new business owners and are terrified of losing their dream and their financial income. Some people have grandparents or parents who they love dearly and are terrified of them getting sick and the possibility of their immune system not being strong enough to handle the COVID-19 outbreak. A lot of mothers and parents are now home 24/7 with their children and are going mentally insane with everything. To the parents who are used to sending their kids to school and relying on the teachers to teach them and the school to feed them, they now have to think of things to occupy their children and have enough money to feed them. A lot of people have lost their jobs or are nervous they won’t have a job when this is all over. There are a lot of people who are currently at home alone and are struggling with depression. There are people who are already dealing with suicidal thoughts and now they are adding all this stress with wondering if they can afford things, and the fact of them being alone in their own head terrifies them. There are SO many fears right now and this is just a short list of them and the people struggling. There is so much unknown right now and it is leading to a lot of fear, worry, panic, depression, and isolation. I want you all to know that we recognize you and that it is okay to feel this way right now, but know that it will pass. Here are some tips that have helped me manage rough times and I hope these can help right now, and always.

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Mental Health

For any of you already struggling with mental health issues I am sure this is just adding more stress onto you. I encourage you to talk to a therapist if you can. I know there a lot of therapist who will talk to you over the phone or even on Zoom. This can be great to have some extra support right now and someone to vent to. If you are struggling with suicide call: 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They are there 24/7 and you can easily call them from your phone. If you are on medication remember to keep up with that and know that it is okay if you need to start medication right now during this. Writing in a journal can be great way to get your thoughts down on paper and release them. I encourage you to stay connected with people and get outdoors if you can.

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Yoga & Meditation

This has helped me SO much in the last few weeks and in general. Yoga can be a great way to recenter and disconnect from the news and social media. If your new to yoga then this is a great time to start and in the comfort of your own home. If you don’t have a yoga mat then you can use a towel! There are so many free online classes right now that people are offering and I would definitely take advantage of it. Lately, I have been setting up my guest room with candles, Himalayan salt lamp, essential oil diffuser, and pillows and a blanket. If you can, you can make a little spot in your house so zen that you will feel like you are in an actual yoga class- or even better sometimes! Yoga is a great way to learn how to take deep breaths, relax your shoulders, and just be in the present moment. We are so used to constantly being on the go and moving that we hardly have time to check in with our thoughts. It can be difficult for a lot of people to stay still and really be in the moment. This can be a great time to practice this and feel safe in doing so. A lot of us are sitting on the couch and probably feel sore and blah from laying around, so yoga can be a great way to stretch out and move your body. I also love that there are so many live classes because you are doing the classes with others and so it helps you feel connected. Meditation is so important because it can really help recenter you and you can release any fear or worry you might be having.

• Yoga with Adriene (Free on You-tube)
• Lululemon work outs (Free on You-tube)
• Check in with your local yoga instructors and see if they are offering any live classes right now. A lot of my favorite instructors have been teaching virtually and it has been amazing!
• Tone it up (App-Free for 30 days and then after $12/month)
• Ember Yoga (This is the yoga studio I work out and they are now offering live classes- check out their website)
• Insight Timer (Meditation app)

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Social Media

I know most of us are very attached to social media and with all this time on our hands we are scrolling more then ever. People are posting their opinions, some facts, fears, how they are enjoying this time, etc. This can be very hard on your overall mental health and it can sometimes cause more harm then good. If you are stuck inside and you are seeing people really enjoying this time then it can lead to anger. When we are constantly seeing sad things on social media then it can lead to feeling helpless and fear for our own life. We usually want to be in control of every situation and when we can’t control others then that can be very frustrating. I have really loved seeing the positive side of social media where people are sharing work outs, recipes, self-help tips, work out challenges, live concerts, and sharing different organizations or people to donate to right now. If you are really struggling mentally, then I would say take a quick break from social media and focus on the present. It is easy for me to get caught up in social media and I’ve had to really be more aware what I post lately. The last thing I want to do is make anyone upset or seem insensitive to other peoples situations. I think it is important now more then ever to really spread more positive messages on social media and to reach out to others who might be struggling. Although, know that it is okay if you are enjoying this time at home and you need to worry about yourself. Sometimes, I feel guilty because I have been enjoying this time because my Husband is finally home and I am lucky enough to have a back yard, rough over my head, food, and still have income coming in. I know that I have to see the positive because I struggle with depression and I don’t want to go down that path right now, or ever. If you are upset because you are sitting in your house complying and others are not, that is completely valid and I would urge you to send them a private message but be kind and do not lead with anger. Lets spread love and awareness but be kind the way you come about it. I am noticing a lot of anger coming out of fear and it is separating loved ones, and if anything we need to come together more then ever right now. Please be kind! Know that every state has different things in place and everyone has a different circumstance.

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Face-time and Phone Calls

I have loved seeing so many people face-timing others and connecting with their friends. Most of us are social creatures and we are not used to being away from friends or family. Some of us live alone and are really struggling right now, and so it is very important to stay connected. Some people really struggle with even getting on the phone when they are depressed, so have compassion for those people and maybe send them a sweet text to check in on them. I have seen a lot of group face-times and even some people doing surprise birthday parties virtually. I have seeing A LOT of people go on Instagram live and staying connected. If being social is something you really need then this is a great time to catch up with your friends and family! Another great thing would be to go old school and mail someone a card or letter. I love writing cards and its such a great feeling receiving one!

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Physical Health

This should always be important and a priority but with everything going on it should be even more important. I personally have hardly been drinking alcohol during this time because it doesn’t make me feel good, and when I am already anxious it can lead to more anxiety. I have a weak immune system and I get sick easily so it is important for me right now to stay healthy and strong. I have been making celery juice in the morning and fresh ginger, lemon ,and turmeric shots! This has been a great time to cook a ton of recipes and make healthy meals at home. Use this time to learn a new recipe and take a break from eating out. I’ve been making sure to go on walks in my neighborhood so I can physically feel good. When we look at screens for too long and are isolated inside it can be very hard on our body and mind. I encourage you to take vitamins and be very kind to your body right now.

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Tackle the to-do list

Do you have a long list of things you’ve been putting off because you are so busy all the time? This can be a great time to go through your list or even make a list of things you want to get done. This can be a great time to organize your closet, file your taxes, clean the entire house (LOL), get rid of clothes to donate, work on the house, mow your lawn, write down some goals or dreams you have, write a book, read a book, work on your business plan, or anything else you have been needing to get done.

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Spa Day at Home

How amazing does this sound!? This can be for men and women! Come on Men this is your time to relax and spend time with your girlfriend/wife and wind down.

• Put a robe on or something comfy
• Take an Epson salt bath with lavender
• Face masks!
• Cut some cucumber and put it on your eyes and lay down
• Hair masks (you can even use lavender oil and coconut oil)
• Spa music (Spotify, Insight Timer App)
• Give each other massages

Get Creative

My best friend sent me a list of things she wants to learn and do. This is the time to learn the piano, a recipe, make a tik-tok, write a poem, paint, do a puzzle, sing, and tap into the creative side. I always miss being a kid and always doing something creative. I always felt so happy and content doing this, and as you get older we forget to do these things and we get caught up with being social and normal life demands. Use this time to finally try something you’ve been wanting to do and just be a kid again!

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Give back

Do you know an elderly, disabled, or even a single mom who can’t go out to the store right now and get essentials? If you are healthy I encourage you to reach out to people, post on Facebook, text your neighbors and see if anyone needs extra assistance. Not only does this help someone else but it will also make you feel better for doing something good for someone. Right now a lot of Hospitals need face masks so you can get creative and make one if you know how to sew, or if you have one and don’t need it please donate to a local Hospital. If you are in a good financial situation help out local businesses and buy gift cards to use at a later time, or shop on their online store. You can donate food to local Food Banks because they really could use extra food to help people in need right now. Feeding America is a great source for food banks as well. You can volunteer remotely! I found an organization called Alone that you can have a companionship with the elderly remotely! You can also volunteer for the Crisis Hotline. You can donate blood with the Red Cross because there is a huge need for it right now.

Relax and do nothing

For some people this will be the only time off they will ever have and normally never get this time at home. My Husband is always traveling and working on the go. It can be difficult because we spend a lot of time apart and he always has a lot of projects he needs to get done at the house. I have really enjoyed being able to spend time with him and I really don’t know the next time we will get this much time. If you have hated seeing all these posts about work-outs and being productive and your sitting there eating a tub of ice cream and watching Netflix- THAT IS OKAY! Use this time to really catch up on sleep, rest, and take it easy! This is something that is essential and be thankful you have some time to really just chill. Do not compare your life to others and know that everyone’s journey is different.

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Spread love

Most importantly, spread love to everyone right now and to yourself. Have compassion for yourself and know that you are doing the best you can do. Right now, a lot of people are struggling and have a lot of fears and so it is important to be aware and to spread positive messages and kindness. I know this can get annoying to see when you are feeling super down to see people being positive. I would always get so annoyed with my dad when he would say “THINK POSITIVE, BLAH BLAH,” when I was feeling super down and I just wanted him to be with me in my feelings and acknowledge them. Sometimes you just want to feel your feelings and be upset! That is OK! Just remember to not take it out on others and know that we are all in this together. I encourage you to start positive things on social media and see if there is anyway you can help others. It’s also okay if you are feeling happy right now and are enjoying this time! It is different for everyone so just have compassion for everyone. SPREAD LOVE NOT HATE 🙂

I hope this can help and I would love to hear some ways that help you! Please reach out if you have any questions or need any extra support. We are in this together and know this is temporary. If anything this is teaching us so much and resetting us. This is an opportunity to really look inward and heal yourself. This is a reminder that anything can happen so it is important to focus on what you can control and that is your thoughts. Self-care and Self-love are essential in everyday and maybe you will take what your learning during this time to life after the Pandemic.

Love & Light,

Tuscany

The day before I turn 30

Wow….I can’t believe I am sitting here writing this as I approach being 30 years old! My birthday is tomorrow and I am just really excited, overwhelmed, and in shock that I made it to 30. If I could tell my younger self this is what 30 would feel like then I wouldn’t have been so stressed about it when I was younger. Everybody has different life experiences and different expectations for themselves. I remember being younger and thinking, “by the time I am 30 I will be married with kids and rich and in my career!” That was the common goal for some people and for others it was just getting through the next day. I thought 30 was this magical number and that I would be so old. I sit here now thinking how 30 is still SO young. 30 is different then 20 though in a lot of ways….I definitely have way more self-awareness and experiences under my belt. My 20’s were a gradual stepping stone of learning lessons and growth. We step into our 20’s thinking we are more adult but really we are still very much a kid. For awhile, life was about partying and turning 21 and going to Vegas. I always thought that I needed to figure out life in my 20’s and sometimes would be down on myself for not accomplishing certain things yet. We are all on our own path and everybody has a different agenda.

School…when it comes to college I am still in school and sometimes I sit there and feel weird being this age still in school. I think it is easy to sit there and compare ourselves to others and where we are at in our journey. We have to remember that we are on the right path and that this path was meant for us and only us. The only person who can judge us is ourselves. It took me awhile to learn that because I would constantly compare myself to my friends who have graduated and be upset that I haven’t. The thing is I am so thankful I am still pushing for an education and working hard because my life could have went a different direction. Some of my friends who have graduated and are in their “career” aren’t even sure if that’s what they want to do. Everybody is struggling with figuring something out so if you feel this way just know you are not alone.

I started my 20’s being broken, lost, confused, hurt, curious, heartbroken, unhealthy, and in a lot of pain. I wish I could have told my 20 year old self that none of that would have mattered and that I would be okay. I mean everything mattered and it all helped shape who I am but I wish I would have went a little easier on myself and told myself I would see the happy other side of life eventually.

My 20’s

Lets talk about friends.…In my 20’s my friends were everything to me and I put a lot energy into this. I had a girl group but I also had many friends from all over the place. I really enjoyed learning and growing with my friends but even if some people aren’t in this next journey of mine I will always appreciate them and have love for them. My sister always told me when you make it to your 30’s you will have a few friends you can count on. She was so right! I am lucky to have a lot of good people but if it really came down to it I realized I would have a few I could for sure 100% count on. I realized quality over quantity is the most important. This is the time where we need to make choices for ourselves and notice who brings value into our life. Who wants to grow with us and who appreciates us and puts in the effort. It is okay to let people go and it doesn’t have to be a big dramatic thing. You can slowly drift and that is okay! I really worried about this a lot when I moved to Georgia because I so badly wanted to hold onto who I had. I tried so hard to hold onto them but then I realized how miserable they actually made me, and how it is more stress then actual enjoyment. We can’t hold onto the past. I would continue to post throwback photos and be sad and miss people from the past, but I realized I needed to see who was in my life RIGHT NOW and focus on that. I focused so hard on making friends in Georgia and let me tell you I know it is important to have friends. I tried so hard to meet quality people and sometimes comprise who I am and what I am looking for in a friend, just to have an actual friend. Sometimes I feel so desperate which is so weird for me because I never had a problem making friends when I was growing up. I realized everybody already has their circles here and groups- and sometimes someone new doesn’t fit into that. I am thankful for the ones who have embraced me and the few who really have been amazing to me. I am starting to accept that I won’t always fit into new circles and I don’t need to beg someone to hang out with me or to be my friend.

Marriage….I am married but that is something I wasn’t sure I would do by the time I was 30 or not or ever. For those who aren’t married yet, do not feel pressured by society and think you have to be. Do not just marry someone to be married and take your time. For the ones who have married young, that is okay too! Everyone is on their own journey. Just know the right person will come along. I think we meet different loves at different times of our lives. I also think the right love comes along once we have learned to truly love ourselves. Know that once you get married the real work begins and do not stop working on yourself…this is when you need to work on yourself the most!

Children.…this is the one that is probably getting to me the most. Obviously, I feel my biological clock ticking as they would say and I know safety concerns go up as time goes on. I do feel pressure in a sense to have children soon because of my age. Although, there are so many other things I have had to figure out before that moment and make sure I can get through school first. My goal was to always finish school first. I think society pressures people to settle down and have a family at a young age. I have noticed in Georgia people settle down a lot sooner, like when they are 20-22 which really amazes me. I think there is so much still to learn and life and so much more to do! In California, I notice people are scared to settle down and they wait well past their 30’s. It really is interesting to me how your direct culture can have an impact on your decisions. I know when the time is right it will happen and I will be so excited to be a mama. I praise all moms out there and want you to know you are doing an awesome job!! I know it is not an easy job and honestly I am terrified of it.

Hangovers…let me just tell you that you do not recover as quickly as you would in your 20’s! IT IS A LOT HARDER! They last for days and you have so many responsibilities it is near impossible to actually party without struggling for days on end. Anyone else feel me on this one!? The thing is, I have noticed with age that I really don’t enjoy drinking anymore. My body rejects it and never feels good after. I have actually enjoyed life without it and feel that I am happier and healthier when I don’t drink. To the ones who can still manage to party like a rock star GOOD FOR YOU…I really envy you haha! COCONUT WATER is an amazing hangover cure and drinking water after every alcoholic drink.

Goals...I had a lot of goals before I turned 30 and let me tell you I have knocked a lot of the list. I finally had my first trip out of the United States WOO! I keep adding to my goals and it is okay if I haven’t hit them all because this is just the beginning. I told myself I would start writing a book when I turned 30- and I have basically started with this blog but can’t wait to go deeper with that. Don’t be down on yourself if you haven’t checked all the boxes- you have so much more time but I encourage you to write some stuff down…I love writing lists and crossing it off when I complete it…feels so accomplishing!

Boundaries…. This has probably been the biggest learning lesson in my entire life. It was always very hard for me because I wanted to please everyone before myself. I would put my needs aside and tend to what others wanted and what their expectations were. I would get emotionally invested into so much drama between family and friends…only to be sitting there upset, while everyone else moved on and was fine. I realized that there is a lot we should stay out of and let people work it out for themselves. That is hard for someone who has major empathy like me and physically feels pain when others do. The thing is, I am much happier now that I have set boundaries and I have started honoring myself and my needs. I think this is something that comes with time and experience.

The fear of aging….this is a big one! I am starting to notice wrinkles and sun spots and wondering why I didn’t take better care of my skin when I was younger? Why didn’t I wear sunscreen and wanted to be tan and look good? Botox is becoming a bigger subject now…I have even had it once in my forehead because of my wrinkles. I get it girls it definitely helps! I am noticing that it feels harder to lose weight and I am not a size 0-2 anymore. I definitely have fear about physically aging but I think it is important to use this as a wake up call to really take care of yourself. I have so much more knowledge now then I did before, and now I can work on my health from the inside and out. Love all of your scars and your body no matter the size or wrinkles.

Enjoy every moment….I am realizing how quickly time is going and the fact I am about to be 30 really makes me excited but freaked out at the same time. Where is time going? Enjoy every moment and enjoy the ones you love. For a lot of us at this age, we might still have parents around or if your lucky even some grandparents- I encourage you to soak up every minute and spend time with each other. Life is crazy and we honestly never know how long we have with someone.

If you are younger then me I want to say do not be hard on yourself and don’t compare yourself to others. Be proud of where you are and know that the hard times will pass. Understand that everybody has struggles and this will make you stronger.

This is me now 🙂

I am extremely grateful to make it to 30 and I am thankful to be alive. Some people don’t even make it this far and so I feel very fortune to have this chance at life. My hope is to better myself every single day and keep building a strong foundation. I feel like I have so much more to do and so much to see. I can’t wait to become a therapist, yoga instructor, and to write a book (or multiple). I can’t wait to become a mother and to have a family. I can’t wait to just keep growing and see what this next era has in store for me.There are so many things in my 30’s that I am looking forward to and I have so much hope having more awareness then I did before. I am lucky I have been through some hard times because it has given me a different perspective on life and is guiding me to the next chapter. Your 30’s are a significant milestone and I really do feel like I am stepping into a new era of me.

Life Lessons from Tusk:

• Life can be really tough but use it as a learning experience
• Others treat you the way you treat yourself
• Everything is temporary
• Beneath anger is always fear
• Happiness is a choice and requires a lot of hard work
• You will get through your struggles
• Take risks
• Listen to your gut, instincts are always trying to lead us in the right direction
• Don’t beg for others attention
• Do not change who you are to fit what others want you to be
• Fall in love, get hurt, but fall in love again. Don’t be afraid to love again!
• Don’t put your entire worth into another person
• Accept every hardship and appreciate them
• Surround yourself with loving and supportive people who have your best interest at heart
• Don’t worry about being popular
• Save money!
• Eat healthy and take care of your body- but don’t be afraid to eat and indulge
• Work towards your goals/dreams
• STOP HAVING FOMO! I had this for so long- but instead I enjoy missing out sometimes and being content and thankful for where you currently are
• Book that trip!
• Do not base your self-worth and identity off Instagram models and influencers- have your own identity and embrace it
• Do what you want to do and don’t let others sway your decisions
• Have great girlfriends
• WEAR SUNSCREEN
• Go for your passions
• Spend time with family
• Take your mental health seriously and make it a priority. Do not be ashamed of feeling anxious, depressed, or down.
• Ask for help
• Every set back is leading you in the right direction
• Make time to learn something new and to better yourself
• Show appreciation for others and be kind
• Take moments to yourself and focus on healing YOU
• Don’t think you can fix anyone…they have to be willing to do the work and fix themselves
• Marriage should not be the end goal because it is when the work actually begins on a deeper level
• COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY
• TAKE A LOT OF PHOTOS
• Don’t drink and drive!
• Say how you feel and don’t hold it in but be kind about it and not project anger
• If you miss someone then text them and reach out- You never know how much someone appreciates this
• Step out of your comfort zone
• Write thank you cards…people really appreciate it!
• Don’t waste money on clothes or new trends

As in Tuscany’s famous words:

LIVE……LAUGH……LOVE………

I can’t wait to step into this new era and in 10 years talk about what all happens next…I am extremely grateful for life every single day. I am thankful for all of the lessons, people, experiences, and every moment that has happened in my life. I am so excited for this next chapter…..bring it on 30!!!

Love and Light,

Tuscany

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Let’s talk about body image and self-love…

I feel like almost everyone can relate to it. Constantly, we will be browsing on social media and see images of people looking perfect and being successful doing so. We have started to think beauty means success and if we are beautiful then we will have what they have. These images make it very hard to be your full self because you start to want to become them. The Instagram models, the Kardashians, the Hadid sisters, etc. This puts an idea in our heads that we need to be that way and if we aren’t then we aren’t beautiful. This has been very hard on me because I haven’t been able to make it to the “perfect” model body image. When I was in High School I was always in shape and really didn’t worry too much about size. College came around and I feel like that is when social media like Instagram really changed everything. I had very low self-esteem in general and it was really hard for me to believe I was great or beautiful. I remember growing up and my grandparents constantly praising me on how great I was. They made me feel so special and I felt very loved and important. High School came around and they passed away and I didn’t have someone telling me these things anymore. Sometimes people don’t even have that praise as a kid, and can you imagine how hard that is on someone’s self-esteem? Who we are around constantly like our family, friends, teachers, classmates, and anyone else who is directly around has a huge impact on us without even realizing it. I started to seek validation from men or friends and started to develop my self-worth based on what others thought. If someone told me I was beautiful I honestly wouldn’t believe them and thought they were being fake.

This cycle was very up and down and it got worse in my 20’s and I started to really think I wasn’t worthy of love. I remember wanting love so badly but for some reason the people I dated never wanted long term and I remember that making me feel like something was wrong with me. I started attracting men or BOYS basically since they weren’t mature enough haha but I started to attract ones who weren’t the best for me. When we view ourselves poorly then we will attract what we think we deserve.

Once I moved to Georgia in 2015 I still had the same feelings of wanting to be loved and finding someone. I remember this being so hard and my self-love was still not there. I started going to therapy and shortly after was recommended to a Psychiatrist to get on medication for depression and anxiety. My depression was really bad when I first moved to Georgia and so I knew that I had to try whatever I could to make it through. I tried anti-depressants, anxiety meds, medication for panic attacks, and sleeping medication. I was still taking birth control so basically I was on five different pills every single day. All of these medications has a huge impact on my body and I know that’s when my body started changing (Along with getting older). I met my now Husband and I remember him thinking I was like a goddess. He was so genuine about it and you can tell he truly thought the world of me. Finally, a good guy who I actually like really sees me and thinks I’m amazing. See there I go again with needing that validation from someone in order to believe it myself. Well he did a great job making me believe it and I just fell so in love with him! He still to this day makes me feel beautiful but he sees me in a deeper light then just what’s on the outside. I know he had a huge impact on the way I started viewing myself and I know with his help it has helped me let go of past bad cycles.

My depression started to get a lot better a few years later and the medication was really working. Although, my weight slowly creeped up on me and it was becoming harder to keep my slim figure.

I was very healthy and eating very clean and not going out and partying. I was healthier then I was before and I was walking every single day. Why did I start to gain so much weight? I went through so many things ….I thought I possibly had PCOS? I had other symptoms of this and called my Doctor and told them and they said we would have to do a lot of tests to see if that was true. I still need to follow up on that and that is my advice that so many other things could be going on with your body! I was tested for low thyroid but that was in normal range. My blood pressure on the other hand was really high about 170/90 and so I knew something was going on with my health. I couldn’t figure it out but in my head, I thought it was because of all the medication so I was determined to get off everything. I stopped taking my anti-depressant and my birth control. I continued my meds for when I have panic attacks and for sleeping but that was it. I started an extreme diet and being very restrictive with what I was eating and slowly started losing some weight. I went from 155 to 142 and I was so thankful to finally be under 150. I had a really hard time and I was very depressed during this time mainly because I was off my medication but also because I was going through a lot of crazy life changes.

In September, I had a really dark moment and that is when I wish I was still on my medication so my thoughts would be more stable and I wouldn’t have gotten in such a dark state. Why did I care more about being thin and skinny then about my mental health? I thought if I was skinny then I would be happy and be loved by people. Even though I was very much loved and I have a Husband who thinks I am the most beautiful women alive, but yet I am still sitting there thinking I look terrible. No matter how much he has told me over the last few years and for moments it did truly help- but then time goes on and if we still haven’t worked on learning to love yourself then these issues will always arise. I was always surrounded by friends who are thinner then me and then I see celebrities and influences always looking great and successful and so of course I want to be like all of them. I would sit there on my phone and scroll for hours and just get sucked into what everyone else was doing. There was times where I wouldn’t even want to go out with friends because my confidence was at an all time low. I would try on 20 different outfits and it felt like nothing fit or looked right on me. This defiantly led to a dark depression and I started to compare myself to everyone else. I have always had a bigger belly and for some reason I get bloated very easily and that has made me feel very self-conscious. I started obsessing over my weight and over everything I was doing. This became really unhealthy and it makes me sad that I worried that much about it.

I don’t think I will ever be 120 pounds and a size 0-2 like I used to be, but if anything I am healthier and that is what means the most to me. I do not party as much, I get enough sleep, take vitamins, eat the right food, and take care of my mind and my body. I am starting to realize that I am not 22 anymore and I am almost 30 so no wonder my body is changing. I walk everyday and do yoga so I have built a lot of muscles and that is why the scale says that number. I also have stopped weighing myself because I feel like that can be a slippery slope to go down. I used to weigh myself everyday and get so mad when I would gain 1 pound when I felt like I should have lost 5. I think it is important to get rid of any triggers that make you feel less then. Unfollow people on social media who have this perfect body if that makes you feel self-conscious. Currently, I feel great and have a healthy relationship with my body now. I have started to accept where I am and have started to love who I am regardless the size. I know that a lot of people, especially women deal with comparison and have a hard time with self-esteem. I want you to know that you are not alone and that you are beautiful the way you are!

A book that really helped me was Pretty Happy by Kate Hudson and I recommend for anyone going through the process of learning to love yourself. In the book, they give you many activities to learn how to love yourself. One of them was to look at the mirror while being naked and list 5 things I love about myself. WOW, I felt so weird doing this and didn’t want to be too coincided. I started to do the exercise even though I felt so uncomfortable but slowly I was like wow there are some things I love about myself. When you finally step away from social media and outside sources and really focus in on YOURSELF, it is amazing how great you start to feel.

I will say that the one thing that has helped me has been yoga. Whenever I do yoga I feel so sexy and confident and accomplished. Whenever I sweat and do activities that make me feel stronger then that it boosts my confidence. Do more things that make you feel good about yourself and that add to your self-confidence. I did want to share this photo I took last year and I felt so self-conscious in this photo. I did not want to post this because I felt like I had back rolls and felt huge. I was so excited to take this photo because of the view and I was in my new KRAHS bathing suit. Regardless, I did not post this photo because of how I thought I looked like in it. I think it is so sad we sit there and worry about our photos so much and we add filters, and then worry about the caption because we think everything has to be perfect. We think if we post the perfect photo with the perfect caption then everyone will love it and we will get more likes and people will like us more. We seek outside validation constantly! We always ask our friends if they like this outfit or how they look in something. If the friend doesn’t like it then our confidence is shot. We like going to our friends for input but we need to start trusting our own judgements. If we feel good in it then we should wear it! My entire life I wanted everyone to like me and I wanted to be friends with everyone. Since a young age I was the popular one and I always had many different friends. I notice that now I would rather have less friends but quality people around who make me feel comfortable and great.

The point of my post is to never forget who you truly are! Love your body with all the “imperfections” and do not compare yourself to others. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

If you feel like you are comparing yourself on social media then maybe it is time to take a break from it and focus on the present. The most important thing is to be healthy and not go to extremes to be a certain weight. I know this is easier said then done and a lot of people deal with this, but if you are struggling there are so many resources and places you can reach out to for help.

I am not saying it is healthy to let yourself go because at some point your blood pressure goes up and a lot of health problems can arise. I think it is important to be healthy! I am saying if you are doing all the right things and being healthy then you need to be proud of what you are doing. Honestly, everyone has a different shape and size and not everyone will be a size 2 for the rest of their lives. Even some people who are a size 2 aren’t confident in their bodies and have body image issues. This subject applies to any size and it really comes down to how they view themselves. We always want to be what someone else is, but how do we know that person is even happy how they are? Are they starving themselves? Do they have a eating disorder and having a really hard time? I have to remind myself of this a lot! Have empathy for every single person and know that at the end of the day we are all struggling and all striving to be this perfect mold. Stop body shaming others no matter their size and focus on yourself. A lot of people struggle in silence and so do not be fooled by what you see on the surface. I have started to wear clothes that make me feel supported and comfortable and I want to wear clothes that make me feel the most confident. I encourage you to wear clothes you feel comfortable in and rock it! You are beautiful just the way you are!

I urge you to go get naked and look in the mirror and say 5 things you love about yourself! Do not focus on the things you don’t love. Only focus on what you do love! Write them down and put them on a post it and be reminded. Sometimes I put encouraging post it’s around to give me little reminders. Go do something that makes you feel comfortable and confident! Be around people who make you feel great but don’t forget to do things to make yourself feel great. Unfollow social media accounts that make you feel terrible about yourself. These little changes can go a long way!

Thank you so much for reading and if you want to talk more about this topic feel free to reach out to me! I would love to hear your stories on this!

Love & Light,

Tuscany

Anxiety & Panic Disorder

My story:

I have been so excited to speak on this topic because it is very special to me and I have quite a lot to say about it. Honestly, even though this post may seem like a lot- I have been through even more but by the time I tell you every single story I would have an entire book series. When I was younger I had no idea what anxiety or panic attacks were. I remember being fifteen when I had my first panic attack and I will never forget that moment. I remember feeling severe chest pain, excessive sweating, dizzy, and insane tunnel vision. I had no idea what was going on at the moment because I was so young and did not have that sort of awareness yet. This was after my grandparents who I lived with and helped raise me passed away one after another when I was starting Freshman year of High school. My dad decided to pick up and move us out of California and to North Carolina where it was cheaper. All of these huge life changes of losing my grandparents, moving, and leaving important relationships behind was very tough on a fifteen year old kid. I remember having several panic attacks my sophomore year of high-school but again, I had no idea what was going on. Shortly after living in North Carolina for a full month I moved back to California and lived with my sister. I basically told my parents I would kill myself if they kept me there with them. I was very behind in school and had to go to a continuation school in a not so great area of Orange County. I did not fit in there and felt scared most of the time. This is when depression set in and I started to go through A LOT of feelings this year. I was in a very toxic relationship with someone who was verbally and physically abusive. He would hold me down and choke me and hit my legs so people couldn’t see the bruises on my face. Force me to have sex when I didn’t want to…. I didn’t have parent supervision during this time since my parents were still in North Carolina and my sister was at work all the time. I would basically be able to do whatever I wanted and whenever. I remember wanting to be stoned so I wouldn’t have to feel what I was going through. I wanted to be completely numb to all of my feelings of fear, panic, stress, and anger. I was constantly sad and crying and I thought about killing myself regularly. I was also hanging around older people so I was introduced to a lot of different things during this time. Junior year came around and I got out of that toxic relationship by having to change my phone numbers, friends, and move from where I was living. The one thing that continued after that relationship was being on Xanax. I was introduced the previous year and I absolutely loved the way Xanax made me feel and I felt like I could handle anything when I was on it.

Senior year I started hanging out with the wrong crowds and was in another intense relationship. I also didn’t like going to school and had a lot of anxiety about facing other people. Soon after that I did independent studies which was only once a week. I graduated from a continuation school called Shores because of how behind I was in schoolwork. Thankful I graduated though! I didn’t like facing other people and having to explain to them why I was down it was really hard. I was very popular growing up and so I always felt like a lot of attention was on me and I had this image to be liked and be social. It started to become very draining being that person.

I got back together with someone from middle school who I loved a lot. He was sober at the time and I was trying to be as well. We loved each other and had a lot of great times together. Unfortunately, both of us were pretty broken and so as time went on and us being teenagers we fell into this toxic on and off relationship. A LOT of anxiety came from this relationship and created a lot of fear inside of me. The relationship really took a toll on me and many times he made me feel like I was worthless and that I would never be good enough. I lived with my mother again for a short time and that was a very toxic environment. We argued all the time and my mom was going through a lot of issues and had really bad mental health issues, and that is when the drinking started with her as well. I was constantly in survival mode and would stay at different friends houses or my boyfriends parents house. I remember having to sleep in my boyfriends car at times since his parents wouldn’t let me stay over because I had no where else to go. I never had stability and never knew when I was going to have to move, if I could afford rent, if my ex was going to leave me again, if my ex was going to upset me again, if my mom was going to be alive and well, and if my dad was going to recover from a quadruple bypass surgery or if him and I would have a relationship. Things started turning around when I was 18-19 and I moved to Santa Monica and started working for Red Bull. I met some really amazing people and this started to change my outlook on life. I felt confident and was around empowering women who lifted me up all the time. I was still dating that ex but this is when the cheating really begun and when he would cheat on me often and I would find out through his friends. He was in and out of trouble all the time so I was constantly on edge about getting a call from jail, or getting calls from his family to check how he was doing. He did a lot of really hurtful things to me that caused me a ton of anxiety and pain. A lot of verbal abuse happened in this relationship. He really tried to tear down my image of what people thought of me- but mainly he made me believe I was worthless and would never be good enough.

I will not say that I was perfect but when someone is that manipulating and puts you down, you start to believe it and then act out in certain ways for attention. Also, when you are already in such a low point in your life and don’t have self-esteem of course things are going to happen. He moved away and a few months later I followed him. I will spare all the details but he put me in a really terrible situation (I acknowledge that I did put myself there as well but still). Found out he was cheating on me, we got kicked out of the place were were staying and basically were homeless. I moved back in with my mom and had to sleep in the living room on a mattress and this was a really bad situation. My ex told his parents I stole their gas card (Even though he did- and had it the entire time and would fill up everyone’s gas tanks and trade it for money). So we were done- and I was always the one to blame! This put me in a really really dark space. He broke up with me, made his parents believed I was bad and crazy, and then I was back with my mother, and lost some really amazing friends since they didn’t agree with me moving there in the first place. I was very much in love with this person and the pain we kept putting each other through was really hard on me. Being in such a dysfunctional and intense relationship at that age really took a toll on me. I always just wanted to be loved but all I really knew was craziness and never had role models of a healthy relationship. My life was always crazy so that is exactly what I attracted into my life.

Shortly after this, “somebody” hacked my Facebook and put pictures up everywhere of me in lingerie. This was sent out to literally everyone. Family, co-workers, friends… and it was so humiliating. These photos were only for this one person- and I couldn’t believe this happened. It happened on my 20th birthday! It kept happening in and off and this was very traumatic for me. Being perceived to people as a “slut” or as someone who is worthless is a really terrible feeling. Especially when the one person you love is also telling you these things daily.

My anxiety was so bad that when I was 20 I ended up in the Hospital with stomach ulcers and a rash all over my body. I was so sick throwing up and basically pooping out a lot of blood and had to spend a week in the Hospital. I couldn’t hold down foods and was a complete wreck. I remember the Doctor being so shocked that I was only 20 but had ulcers. I knew why, because I was constantly stressing and on edge. It is crazy how connected our mind and body are! I didn’t have ways to manage my stress and I would hold a lot in. I didn’t have many people who understood me or good coping skills so it was really hard on me. When you are young and don’t understand these constant feelings of insecurity, instability, fear, and anxiety then it it easy to find ways to “not deal” with it. I would surround myself with people who partied and would go out and drink to forget how I was feeling. Sometimes I would drink too much and would end up blacking out. This led to a constant cycle of regret, fear, and non stop negative self-talk. This continued through my 20’s but I will spare you all the details but lets just say a lot of trauma happened.

I had a life altering experience happen to me about five years ago and that is when my anxiety got even worse. I will talk about this at a later post, but just know it was very traumatic and I have a lot of PTSD from it. This situation happened because of the build up of so much anxiety, panic, depression, self-doubt, and not feeling in control of my emotions and my life. I almost died in this situation and I will never forget that turning point of my life. This situation really opened my eyes and basically woke me up and kicked me in gear. After that, I moved to Georgia and moved away from the past in California. I was able to finally start dealing with all of these emotions and figure out why I was the way I was. I started to be very fearful of being in the car (because of a bad car accident), couldn’t be in party situations with previous friends, couldn’t be around certain people, and it was even hard to go into work some/most days. Even though I was away from all of my triggers, these feelings were still very much there and there was A LOT I needed to unpack and figure out.

In Georgia, we have a lot of thunderstorms and tornado warnings and scary weather situations give me extreme anxiety. I do not like situations that are out of my control and I have always been in survival mode. When you live in “fight or flight” mode for so long and you are just trying to survive- it is very hard to feel grounded and realize these fears are not in my control- but it is okay and I will be okay. I also notice there there has been many times my anxiety has been so bad about facing people when I feel down- and so I haven’t been able to go to work or complete daily tasks. It has been crippling many times… and that is when I call out “sick” but most of the time it is mentally sick… which usually isn’t as acceptable. This is why the past 6 months I’ve had to leave the corporate world and be in better jobs for my mental health.

There are a lot of situations till this day that I will have a huge panic attack over and I can’t handle life. I am constantly worried about losing the ones I love or something bad happening to them. I have been constantly worried about my parents even though it’s out of my control. I always want to control the outcome of situations, but when in reality I can only control how I respond to them. My husband travels a lot for work and I will obsess over if something happens while he is there. If I am going on a trip with girlfriends I obsess over every detail of what we are doing and I start to worry about how I will be able to handle these social situations. I have anxiety in my relationship/marriage now of whenever we would have a disagreement-if he was going to leave me. These are things that I was used to and conditioned to believe were okay. Understanding that this is not normal and to learn better ways to handle conflict. luckily, my Husband is so supportive and understanding. He knows about all of this and he has been a huge reason I have been able to heal and get better. He has loved me for me and he has treated me with so much respect, and is just such a loving and caring man. He makes me feel so confident and pushes me to be the best. I am so thankful I met such a wonderful man who I love so freaking much. He has helped me grow in so many ways.

What does Anxiety & Panic feel/look like?

FYI: I am not a Professional! These are the symptoms I have felt and personally go through. Please consult a Doctor to get evaluated 🙂

• Over-analyzing
• Over-reacting (You feel like you are- but do not put yourself down for this!)
• Constant sweating
• Constant worry of the future and past
• Panic attacks
• Obsessing
• Anger
• Frequent urination
• High-blood pressure
• Urge to drink water constantly
• Feeling like you can’t breathe
• A lot of “what if” questions
• Hard to fall asleep, stay asleep, or sleeping too much
• Crying
• Taking everything personal all the time
• Feeling not good enough
• Feeling not in control
• Restlessness
• Nausea or stomach issues (mind and gut are connected)
• Heart palpitations
• Crying when under a lot of pressure
• Indecisiveness
• Having certain Phobias
• Not being able to be around people (social anxiety)
• Thinking of something bad happening
• Asking a lot of questions because of the fear or what could happen
• Living in regret
• Isolation
• Feeling guilt or shame

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY:

• Don’t tell them to get over it
• Don’t tell them not to worry
• Don’t tell them they are freaking out for no reason
• Don’t tell them they are creating their own reality with these worries
• Don’t tell them they have nothing to worry about
• Don’t tell them to chill out
• Don’t tell them how they should feel
• Don’t tell them “it’s no big deal”

Managing my Anxiety & Panic attacks

“Your Anxiety was your companion to survival when you needed it”- Athena

I will tell you right now that I am still working on it because it is something I will ALWAYS have to work on. This is apart of me and this will not just go away, BUT I have found ways to manage it and be able to live my life and not keep myself in my room all the time. My anxiety led to a lot of isolation and then that would lead to depression. I get very lonely and a lot of past emotions are stuck deep down inside of me. These mental illnesses are so intertwined because it is a chain affect. I would get anxiety about going out with my Dad but then the next day I would feel regret for not going, and be like “what if something happens to him” which that fear still is going, and then I would continue to not make plans with people, and then depression would set it. I would be sad that I wouldn’t see people I love and be upset at myself for not going. It was a constant cycle and I have started to acknowledge these feelings but accept them. It is okay if I don’t feel like going somewhere- and not to force myself to do things I don’t want to do. My intuition is so strong and anxiety is my intuitions way of telling me the situation is not good for me and to also honor when I am tired and need to stay home and rest. The people who love you should understand!

Therapy has been a huge help in me managing anxiety and I highly suggest it for people. I started with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which retrains your mind to go in a different direction. You discuss different situation and they give you the tools on how to understand why you are thinking a certain way, actually process it, and then change your way of thinking. I started going to therapy once a week for 4 years so believe me it really takes time and patience with yourself. I no longer hide these fears and I think it is very important to honor yourself and not put yourself in situations you do not want to be in. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH is important and if someone is a threat to that then you need to set boundaries or discontinue the relationship. I also started to cut out people who were bad for my mental health and only surround myself with people who I could be my true self with. For so long, I wanted all these friends and people to like me but now I’ve learned that I would rather have fewer friends who won’t judge me or make me feel less then. Being around people you can be honest with and who really love you is very important. When you have a great support system and ones who understand your mental health- then it really helps. I am so thankful for some of my friends because they know I have anxiety and so when I start to get anxious and ask a lot of questions- or if I disappear and don’t talk to them, they understand and will not cut me off for it. They will check on me and ask how I am doing and genuinely care about how I am. I have been practicing yoga for 10 years but let me tell you when I constantly go to yoga, then my anxiety and panic are a lot less. I feel a lot more confident and I can manage my stress better- so I highly recommend trying if you haven’t yet!

I know that I have went through a lot in my life and it all started at such a young age. I never had stability or people to count on when I needed them the most. I quickly got into bad relationships with people who I wanted to “complete me” and then would end up lowering my worth to people who did not deserve it. Always being in survival mode and having to just continue to make money to pay bills and to survive really took over my life. I wasn’t able to just be a kid and always had to be the responsible one for MYSELF to survive. I was a parent to my own parents when I needed parents the most. This is why I wasn’t able to truly process what I have been through and why so much built up. Even though I have stability now in my life and my own house- I still unintentionally have fears and things I worry about. When you use anxiety to survive most of your life then you are used to those ways of handling/ thinking about situations. I am so thankful now that therapy has given me the tools to finally deal with these things and to completely transform my life. I have more acceptance when it comes to my parents, and am starting to learn that they had their own issues they were dealing with. They loved me but they both had depression and other issues and it was difficult for them to even love themselves. I think when we start to have compassion for people and start to understand why they do or don’t do things, then we can actually learn forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt not having them there for me when I needed it, or that I didn’t need more structure from them- or that certain relationships that treated me badly didn’t freaking hurt to my core (or that I’m making excuses for them) but in order for me to heal it is about forgiveness and having empathy for others. I have truly forgiven my ex for all of the hurt and we’ve actually had discussions about things at an older age and I feel a lot of closure and I use it as a learning experience. I’m thankful for these experiences because it’s made me who I am today. I am starting to listen to myself more and be grateful for all of these experiences. I know what is best for my life and SO DO YOU. I have forgiven myself for putting myself in bad situations and lowering my standards. I have forgiven myself for being a certain way and not treating myself good. Never let anyone tell you how to handle your life or that you don’t deserve greatness, because you DO! I am very grateful for all of the challenges because now I am able to help others and share my stories.

What helps my Anxiety?

(FYI, I am now an Affiliate with Amazon! All of my recommendations will be highlighted as a link. Click that link and it will go directly to the product I recommend from Amazon)

• Knowledge of anxiety- and knowing the symptoms and how to overcome them
• Therapy
• Mindfulness
• DBT workbook: Click on that for the direct link to Amazon. This gives you a bunch of exercises and teaches you mindfulness and what your triggers are/ and how to overcome them
• Yoga (helps sooo much!)
• Meditation: There are a lot of great apps out there! I love Insight timer
• Journals. Here are some I recommend, Zen as F*ck: A Journal for Practicing the mindful art of not giving a Sh*it, The Anxiety Journal, Present, Not Perfect: A Journal for slowing down, letting go, and loving who you are, The Mindfulness Journal for Anxiety:Daily prompts and practices to find peace
• Diet adjustments- Whenever I eat clean and healthy I have less anxiety and feel a lot better. Too much fast food and salt make me feel worse
• Less Caffeine: I have switched to matcha green tea or pure green tea
• Check out my website with Arbonne (click this link to go directly to my site and purchase) I LOVE the energy fizz sticks and they don’t give me anxiety after drinking them
• CBD Oil: I am an affiliate with this brand click the CBD oil link to go directly to the product
• Herbal remedies: St John’s Wart, Magnesium, Valerian root, L-Theanine, B Complex, Ashwagandha, Melatonin, Fish oil
• Probiotics: The gut is very connected to your mind…healthy gut/healthy mind 🙂 Grass fed Collagen Peptides with Type 1 & 3 Probiotics from Garden of Life
• Take baths! Dr. Teal Epsom salt soaking solution Lavender
• Essential Oils! I love lavender oil and I keep a diffuser next to my bed when I sleep and one at my desk
• Weighted blankets if you get anxiety at night time
• Medication: I had to use medication like SSRI’s for awhile which help with anxiety and depression, sleeping medication, & medication for panic attacks (Please discuss with a professional about this)
• Support groups: There are so many support groups online. I love Peak of Panic. I am in a group me with 300 others and you can talk about how you are feeling that day- and share stories and share tips to others. Follow her on Instagram and ask to join her group
• Being more assertive: Speak up about your boundaries and expectations for others. Let people know your triggers and how you feel about certain things. This has helped me a lot!
• Get enough sleep
• COLD RAGS! When I have a panic attack and get really hot..then I love getting a rag and making it wet and putting it either on my forehead or back of neck…it really soothes me
• List your fears and put them in order. Least to worst: and explain why these are your fears? It is nice to have it down on paper to really see what is going on
• Have a good support system of people you can trust and rely on
• A schedule: Having a schedule really helps me but I can’t overwork myself or else I get too stressed and my anxiety builds up
• Time management: Give yourself an extra 15 min in the morning to wake up. Whenever I rush out the door then my anxiety doubles and I start to get angry
• Don’t put yourself in situations you don’t want to be in: YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE! Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not doing something
• When having a panic attack: Take control of your breathing and start counting to 50. Keep your mind focused on your breath. Breathe, touch, and smell. Use your basic senses and use whatever you have to get your mind to focus on that- instead of the worry
• Walking: Walking at least 4-5 times a week has helped me so much. Being out in nature really calms my mind and exercise is really good for anxiety
• Do not drink: I know whenever I drink alcohol it makes me feel worse and can lead to a lot of anxiety
• Make lists of what you need to get done
• Set time out of everyday to take at least 5-10 minutes to be with yourself and breathe
• Have compassion with yourself

Books I recommend:

Clink the links to go directly to Amazon to purchase

• Unf*ck Your Brain: Getting over Anxiety
• The Wisdom of Anxiety: How Worry and Intrusive Thoughts are Gifts to Help You Heal
• Anxiety and worry workbook
• Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks
• The 5-Minute Anxiety Relief Journal: A creative way to stop freaking out
• The Big Activity Book for Anxious People
• Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety
• Anxiety Happens: 52 Ways to Find Peace of Mind
• Loving Someone with Anxiety: Understanding and Helping your Partner
• Own it: Make Your Anxiety Work for You
• When Panic Attacks
• Panic Attacks workbook: A guided Program for Beating the Trick
• The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the healing of Trauma

I believe in you!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I really hope that my story can help you feel less alone in this. I am always here if you need extra support or have any questions. You are not alone in this and you can manage this with the right help. Do not be afraid to ask for help! Speak up to people and let them know what you are going through. Take deep breaths. Also, I would love to hear from you and your experiences with anxiety. I am here if you want to share your story! 🙂

Love & light,

Tuscany

The year in retrospect and manifesting 2020

2019…. Wow, what a year! Honestly, it felt like three different years in one because of how much has happened. Not only are we closing off a year but also an entire DECADE which makes me think about even more experiences and things that have happened in the past 10 years. For me, this is my last New Year’s celebration as 29, because in a few months I will be the big 30! I honestly don’t feel that age and long ago I would say wow 30 is old, but now that I approach it, I feel like the 30s will be the best times of my life. The ’20s are such a rollercoaster because you are growing, learning, evolving, and trying to figure out who you are and who you want to be. For me, this past decade has been CRAZY, to say the least. I want to focus on this past year though because it is crazy how much can happen in a full year. I honestly believe some years test you more than others to help you grow, and other years feel easier. I have noticed that how it goes in cycles because life is always giving you what you need in order to keep growing.

2019 started off very negative, like New Year’s Day was terrible but I will keep those details to myself. In the first part of 2019, I left a job that was draining the life out of me and I finally got the confidence or finally had enough where I quit. It was very hard on me for many reasons but needed to be done because it went on way too long. Then, I transitioned into a new job that quickly challenged me in ways I was never challenged before, and I learned a lot. I was still going through school and constantly feeling stressed and anxious because of how much I had going on, and felt like I was way too overwhelmed with how much I had on my plate. I always had this much on my plate ever since I was 16, but after years of working full time, or two, three jobs, and going to school…while trying to maintain other aspects of your life, and heal in many ways….it really starts to catch up with you and comes crashing down hard. In March, I decided to get off my antidepressants and try to go on with life without all the medications. At the time, I was on 4 different meds for depression and anxiety and I will say that it saved me in so many ways, and helped me have a “normal” life and be able to get out of bed in the morning. Let me just say, getting off the antidepressants was one of the most physically and mentally challenging things I have done. I was having brain zaps (hard to explain but for those of you who’ve been through it- you know), mood swings, nausea, constant sweating, panic attacks, hard time sleeping, hard time connecting with others, lack of patience, wanting to stay in bed, and more. Sounds terrible right? This went on for two months while I was trying to learn a fast pace new job, do well in school, nurture my marriage, take care of my high energy dog, manage a household, and still try to remain in touch with friends and family.

I noticed how hard this was on my friends and family who wanted to see me, speak to me on the phone, or just wanted me to be “fun” and be able to go to events or travels with them. As fun as that all sounds, when I am not feeling “fun” or myself it was felt impossible to face anyone. Instead, I just kept a lot to myself and battled these feelings alone. Thankfully, I do have an amazing therapist who was helping me through it and my Husband. I am not saying that my friends and family weren’t there for me, I just think it is hard to understand what someone is truly going through unless you have experienced it yourself, and I had a hard time going to them when I needed a friend. My husband travels all the time for work so it was extra hard on me this year compared to the rest. He has traveled since the beginning of our relationship, but for some reason this year was hard because of how emotionally down I was. When he was gone, I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I would feel so alone so it was very difficult. I have Milo which thank god because he was definitely my emotional support dog, but he also drove me nuts and it was very difficult dealing with his energy on my own.

Reflection:

This year was the year I learned boundaries and something I have always struggled with but have needed to learn for AWHILE now. Boundaries with family and friends to start taking control of my life. I am a people pleaser and an empath and I constantly would hear my family drama and it would affect me very hard.  I am the type who worries about everybody around me and when I hear things aren’t going well then, I get all worked up, panic attacks, and lose sleep over it. I would constantly listen to the drama from people and get sucked up into it. For someone who deals with heavy anxiety and depression it started to become way too much for me. (I know I was having my own drama and struggles and am not perfect-but when you are constantly put in the middle of things- it becomes draining) I learned I had to cut these conversations to a minimum, speak up and tell people my boundaries, and slowly distance myself away from the negative. My life has been filled with a lot of drama and I am to the point where I am just done with it, and I only want people in my life who lift me up and who I know are truly genuine. Also, I had to start accepting people for who they are and not let their choices or things they say affect me (especially if I still wanted to continue a relationship with them). I started to really notice the ones who were draining my energy and this is when the boundaries started. This did not go well with some people who do not like boundaries and who were used to me dealing with this, and being the emotional sponge while not giving me the same respect in return.

I had a really dark moment in September that some of you might have saw on social media. I sprained my ankle the day my husband left for 3 weeks for a work trip and had to handle my dog myself. While, going to school, starting a new job (working from home), and then I got really sick with the flu for a week. I felt so helpless and weak and I am not the best at asking for help when I need it. Instead, I isolate and try to handle what I can but by the end of that I get so anxious, depressed, and in a state of mind, that is dark. My suicidal thoughts came back, something I haven’t felt since a month before I moved to Georgia. At the moment I just felt like what is the point? I can’t do this anymore! I look back now and I feel kind of crazy for feeling that way but this is what depression is yall. It comes on quick and intense and dark thoughts come into the brain that is very hard to shut off. This was also stemmed from previous emotions and feelings of being alone, helpless, and weak from my teens and twenties. I am thankful I reached out for help and quickly saw who was truly there for me. If you are dealing with suicidal thoughts: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline #: 1-800-273-8255 and they are open 24/7!

This is my semicolon tattoo: My story is not over & it just beginning

It truly makes me emotional thinking back at this dark time, but I think it was meant to happen to open my eyes to how strong I am. I have overcome way harder things, like WAY harder! I’ve had near death experiences, abuse, great loss, and so much more. This was a wake-up call, to start living in the present, love myself, start using my resources, and to start focusing on the good and know that “This too shall pass”.

Afterwards, I started to spend more time alone and started to journal, meditating, read a lot of self-help books, therapy, and went on the path to learn to love myself. I started noticing the people who were slowly slipping away, and the ones who were getting closer to me. The ones who have always been there and haven’t left my side, and the ones I reconnected with after years of not talking who started to really show up for me.  Then I started to connect with amazing souls in Georgia and started getting back into yoga which has really helped my overall well being and confidence.

I also saw a lot of change this year in friendships and a lot of long-time bonds start to drift away. That is the thing about this age is we are growing, changing, learning, and evolving and so life is bound to separate some of us and it is okay to let go of these attachments. If you have to hold onto something super hard just to keep it because of a past with them then that might mean it is time to let go, and let life go its course. My sister always told me by the time you are 30 you will have a lot less friends, but a few ones you can for sure count on. She was right! I was always a social butterfly and loved having so many friends and people around. I always wanted to be liked and to be “fun” so when I do not feel as “fun” it is hard to be in these social situations. I honestly still love having all sorts of different friends, but as long as they are the right people and are good for my mental health, and people I can be my true self with and not be judged for who I am.

I started to realize I kept looking back at the past and holding on so tight to these memories, friendships, relationships, places, and just everything. I was holding so tight and it was making me feel isolated and alone in Georgia. As soon as I started to slowly let the past be the past, and focus on the present in Georgia then my life started to get better. It is okay to still be connected and close with those people from the past, all I am saying is try to make new connections and focus on the present. When we constantly focus on what we don’t have then we stop seeing what is right in front of us. I have decided to focus more on what I do have and start focusing on me.

The thing is, we get in relationships or get married and we almost depend on that other person for our happiness. This will quickly backfire in any relationship (even friendships). We focus so much on the approval from others, being loved, seen, acknowledged, appreciated, etc. When we don’t feel that, we quickly start thinking someone must be wrong with us, did we do something wrong? For me, this starts spiral affect and has put me in a dark depression where I isolate myself away from everyone. The only way to be truly happy is when we truly love ourselves FIRST. If we can’t love ourselves then how in the heck is anyone else suppose to love us? When we can truly make ourselves happy and not need this outside validation because we are already showing up for ourselves and filling our own cup then we are fulfilled. Then, when the relationships, family, friends, or whoever start to fill the cup then it is just adding onto the cup that is already filled and we overflow with joy and can really create long lasting relationships, and continue the one with ourselves.

Journal Prompts to end 2019:

-Things that hurt me this year

-Strengths I have gained this year

-Things I have accomplished

-People who really lifted me up, & what did they do?

-People who really brought me down, & why?

Setting Intentions for 2020:

-Goals for 2020

-Things to get done in 2020

-Places I want to travel to

-A new hobby I wanna learn

-Things I want to work on personally

-Dreams I have

-Type of people I want in my life this year, and always

You can make any type of list you want but here are some of the ones I do for inspiration. You can even make a playlist of the moods you want to feel, draw, or even make a vision board! I love vision boards because I actually made one last year and kept it up on my desk so I could visually see it every day.

Vision Boards:

-Posterboard or whatever you want to use to put things on

-Magazine, pictures, crafts

-Scissors, tape, and whatever other tools you might need

This was my vision board from the beginning of 2019

Why are setting goals & intentions so important?

I believe setting goals, intentions, and reflecting is so important because you help make a plan for your life. You are also able to see how much you’ve accomplished and can be truly proud of yourself. Sometimes we focus so much on saying goodbye to a year and being so ready for it to be over. Let this year, or any year be another chapter in your life of lessons you’ve learned. Every situation and every set back are leading you to something wonderful. Everything truly happens for a reason! I believe having a fresh year is like a fresh start, and another chance to do something you may have been wanting to do but still haven’t crossed it off the list. It is NEVER too late, so just do it…BUT DON’T BE HARD ON YOURSELF if you aren’t there yet. Be patient and loving to yourself, and proud of how far you’ve made it in this world.

The end of 2019

The first part of 2019

End of a Decade

I did want to say I cannot believe we are ending a decade and so I did want to comment a little bit on this. I started this decade very weak, naive, and wanted to be loved and wanted…and did not have a purpose. I was seeking out love in the wrong places and drowning my pain with drinking, non stop partying, wrong crowds, and not taking care of my health. I was in the hospital for stomach ulcers at age 20 from so much stress built up, and not taking good care of myself. I had the time of my life at 21 and made memories with my group of girls that I will never forget. I went through a very hard heartbreak with someone I was on and off with since middle school. This was something that was very rough on me, and took a huge physical and mental toll on me. I had some very tough times and when I turned 25 I had a very very rough time. I got into a horrible near death accident and that kicked my butt in gear to move across the country to Georgia. It was a chain of events and a constant cycle of feeling broken, unloved, unhappy, weak, worthless, and alone. I am thankful that the universe kicked me in gear because moving was the best thing that could have happened to me. I reconnected with my dad after spending 10 years away from each other. I got a brand new car after having so many “hooptys” as we call it (haha LORIANA). I got into a University and am now a senior, and going to get my bachelors degree in Psychology soon. I started therapy and working on myself finally! I met my Husband and had the most beautiful wedding. I gained an amazing family from my Husband and have made such great memories. I own a house!! For so long, wanting to have a place to call my own and to finally feel grounded somewhere…actually happened! I never thought I would find a healthy love or a place to call my own. My life was always constantly changing and chaotic that it seemed I could never fully catch a break, or catch up. I have so much to be proud of and if it wasn’t for all of these difficult experiences then I do not think I would be as grateful and aware as I am today. I am ending this decade smart, confident, strong, wise, open, inspired, grateful, accepting, brave, blessed, bright, dedicated, compassionate, committed, caring, determined, LOVED, I HAVE A PURPOSE, and I am a women who will never give up!

Goodbye 2019

I will say I am very proud of myself for how much I have overcome in a decade, and in this last year. I have learned that “This too shall pass,” because it always does. At the moment, it feels so overwhelming and feels like you can’t handle it…but YOU CAN! I will continue to work on myself and grow, learn, and overcome whatever is thrown my way. I am thankful for the hard lessons this year was trying to teach me, but when all is said is done, I finally truly love myself. I can look in the mirror and just really say WOW, you are amazing. I know what I deserve and what I am capable of and I have learned to not stay in situations just because you’re comfortable or you feel you don’t deserve more. Make as many changes to your life that you need to because this is YOUR LIFE. DO THINGS FOR YOU! Do not let the judgment of others or your own self-criticism hold you back from changing careers if your miserable, not doing school because you don’t feel smart enough, not starting a family because you’re worried you won’t be able to handle it, or not truly living your life. I want to give a HUGE thank you to all of the amazing people in my life near and far who have been there for me, and have loved me no matter what. I see you and I appreciate you so much! Thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to read my blog, and I truly hope this helps and inspires you. I am always here if anyone needs to talk! Sending love and light to everyone, and have a safe and great New Year!! BRING IT ON 2020 I AM READY!

Love & light,

Tuscany