8 Ways to Deal With Negative Thoughts

You wake up in the morning but you are rushing because you snoozed for the last hour. The night before, you planned on getting up early, drinking some cucumber and lemon water, stretching, walking the dog, and having time to get ready for yoga. That snooze button just was too easy and the bed was too comfortable to get out of. Yoga is in 20 minutes so you rush out of bed, eat a piece of toast, don’t even brush your hair or teeth, and basically throw clothes on and rush out the door. Already, you are anxious because you have 10 minutes to get to class before it starts. You are upset because you planned to have a good morning and to start it off right but that dang snooze button got the best of you! On the drive, you are talking so negatively about yourself and upset that you didn’t just get up. You get to class with 1 minute to spare and to your luck, the only spot left is in the very front and center of the class. GREAT just to my luck this would happen! The negative thoughts start creeping in… “This is going to suck,” “What if I get sick and can’t lay down,” What if I can’t keep up with the entire class since I haven’t been in a month,” ” I am front and center so I have to keep up or else I will look weak,” “I work here so I have to be a good yoga role model to the other students and to the ones online,” “I am scared I won’t do well,” “I am so mad about myself for not getting up earlier to get in a different spot.” The mind is going wild with so much negative thinking before the class has even started.

Instead of continuing this negative thinking and letting this mindset completely ruin the next 75 minutes of this hot yoga class, you make a huge shift in your thoughts! You start to look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I got this,” “I am strong,” “I don’t have to be perfect,” “I am thankful I made it to the mat,” “I showed up and didn’t fully bail on class,” “I just have to breathe and take it a step at a time,” and just like that…..you feel strong, brave, happy, excited, and you take on the entire 75 minute class like a rock star! What a concept right? If we switch our negative thoughts and start speaking positive affirmations then it can completely transform how you feel about a situation.

Does this happen to you? Do you have moments before going into a situation and you completely already talk yourself out of it before you even had a chance to attempt? This happens to me A LOT! I don’t know if it stems from my anxiety, depression, or lack of self-confidence and trust in good things to actually happen. Along the way, there have probably been situations in your life where you have been let down. Instead of letting yourself down without fully knowing the situation yet, you tell yourself that it already isn’t going to work, so no big deal. This can be a defense mechanism and a reaction to replaying past events and worrying about the future. Unfortunately, these negative thoughts really take a toll and can hold you back from enjoying life experiences, distract you from focusing on what’s really important, make you feel anxious and depressed, and drain your energy. 

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive behavior therapy or CBT is a psychological treatment that can be effective for a range of problems including depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol, and drug use problems, marital problems, eating disorders, and severe mental illness. CBT helps you manage stress and anxiety by learning relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, coping self-talk, identifying situations that are often avoided and gradually approaching feared situations. This type of therapy is focused on present problems and is works with problem-orientated situations.  A great resource to find a therapist in your area that does CBT is searching on Psychology Today online.

Cognitive Therapy Exercise:

(My Psychology teacher gave us this example of what a Cognitive Therapy Exercise looks like so feel free to answer these questions for your own personal reflection)

• I often worry that I _____
• What’s the worst thing that could possibly happen? What do you fear most of all?
• When you think the worst thing that could happen, do you really think that it’s likely to happen? If so, How could you learn to cope with it?
• I accept myself even though I ____ (do not use the word “am”)

2. Recognizing where your thought distortions are coming from

When you can recognize the core of where these negative thoughts stem from then it can be very beneficial. We tend to tell ourselves these stories of things that are really not true and these inaccurate thoughts can reinforce negative thinking. When we can really recognize them then we can challenge them.

• Personalizing: Assuming you are to blame for anything that goes wrong. When someone doesn’t say hello to you in the morning at work and you feel that it is your fault and you must have done something to upset him/her. When really, it is more likely that person is having a hard morning and it has nothing to do personally against you.
• Black and white thinking: Seeing things as one way or another with no in between.
• Filter thinking: Choosing to see only the negative of a situation
• Catastrophizing: Assuming the worst possible outcome is going to happen.

References: Psychology Today

3. Questioning your thoughts

We tend to make up stories in our heads and these stories become what we think is true. When we can step back and look at a different perspective then we can try to see the full picture and defuse the negative thoughts. If a good friend was telling you a story how would you react to what they were telling you? Try to put yourself in someone’s shoes and see if that can help.

Ask yourself:

• Is this thought true?
• Is this thought important?
• Is this thought helpful?

4. Separate from negative thoughts

It is important to try and take breaks from negative thoughts and put in positive ones instead. I know this can be difficult and honestly it really takes practice, patience, self-awareness, and time. Take control of your thoughts and allow yourself a few minutes with the thought but then take a break and start focusing on something positive. When we spend too much time on these negative thoughts then they can completely take over and consume us, to the point we start to believe they are actually true.

5. Let go of the judgment!

I know it can be so easy to judge ourselves and put ourselves down without even realizing it. I feel like it is even harder now a days because of social media and social comparison. This happens to me especially while scrolling through my Instagram feed! I see how people are handling their Instagram for blogs and think wow mine sucks, it could be so much better! These people get to travel the world, ugh, I will never get to do that! I will never be that skinny! I feel so fat! I won’t ever get that promotion! I feel like all of us do this without even realizing sometimes and this can have a huge impact on your negative thought patterns. When you start to have these thoughts recognize your reaction to them, observe it, and then let it go. Another way, is when you are noticing you are judging yourself or someone else in a negative light then start to look for a positive quality as well.

6. Gratitude!

Practicing gratitude is by far one of the biggest helps when it comes to negative self-talk. I highly recommend meditation, writing in a journal, and yoga. These three things have helped me so much because you get time with yourself to really take a step back and be with your thoughts. You actually feel your breath and your heart beat. I always feel so grateful to even be alive and to be able to breathe. It’s those little things that can really put everything in perspective and help you see the bigger picture.

7. Starting the day with affirmations

I work at a yoga studio and one of the students I talk to could feel that I was very stressed. I was very stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. The next day, she gave me a note card with these journal prompts and affirmations and told me to give it a try. At first, I was like how will I have time to do this first thing in the AM? As we heard above I LOVE to snooze my alarm and usually am running late. What if I got up a little earlier and spent 5 min or less answering these questions? Well, I did and let me tell you it really did set the tone for the day and I encourage you to give them a try!

8. Focus on what your strengths are

I know it can be difficult to focus on what you are good at and especially because you don’t want to sound conceded. But let me tell you, it is okay to talk good about yourself and be confident! It is human nature to dwell on the negative and overlook the positive sometimes, but the more you practice focusing on your strengths and how to move forward then the easier it will be to feel positive about yourself. Sometimes, we look into the past and can be upset of how we handled situations, who we surrounded ourselves with, and any thing that has happened that has made us feel less then. I know it is easier said then done but you have to forgive yourself and know that you made that decision for a reason. Every single life decision happens for us and leads us on the right path. When we can be more self-aware and think, “I put myself in that situation because I didn’t have the healthy coping skills as a teen and that is the way I got by.” Sometimes, we didn’t know better or maybe didn’t even have a choice. That is okay! Love every single inch of you and your heart.

I want you to know that I am posting this because I have a really hard time with negative thought patterns. I don’t even realize how much I am negative but I am a lot. The other day, I was driving to the dog park with my Husband and I said, “I really have to go to the bathroom.” He said, “There is a bathroom there we will be there soon.” and then I said “No, they are probably closed because of COVID.” See what I did? I didn’t even wait until we got there to actually see and instead already made up my mind that they were closed! Did I do this to protect myself in case there really wasn’t and I peed my pants? Probably! There are a lot of situations like that where I always shut things down right away without giving it a chance. I know that this will take effort and practice and honestly will probably be a forever thing to work on. The thing is, if we can work at it little by little and realize that we are doing this and why then that makes all the difference. I would love to hear your thoughts below and I really hope this helps!

Love & Light,

Tuscany

Here is me after Yoga this morning feeling AMAZING!

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Choose Empathy

“We want to be there for others but not lose ourselves in the process”

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This topic is important to me and especially during these times it is crucial we learn how to choose empathy. What is empathy anyway? It’s a very complex word but basically it is the ability to understand and share feelings of another person and being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. It is truly amazing to have this level of understanding and skill but it can come with some downsides if you don’t fully take control of it and understand it. I decided to research more about empathy because honestly, I knew I have the skill set of putting myself in someone else’s shoes but to what extent is it harmful to our mental and physical health?

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3 Types of Empathy:

• Cognitive: “Perspective taking.” Knowing how the other person feels or putting yourself in their shoes.
• Emotional: Feeling someone else’s emotions physically almost like they are contagious. This level can be overwhelming to take over the full emotions and mental state of another
• Compassionate: We understand someone’s tough situation and want to help (basically considering the whole person) This is the “ideal” level of empathy to have. When someone comes to you in tears about a situation and you want to provide comfort and help in any way you can but using your intelligent side of knowing how to handle the situation and not fully take on all the emotions of the other person.

I was so shocked to hear that there are 3 different levels of this but wow it honestly made sense!

Benefits of being empathetic:

• Being able to be there for someone else and help
• Being trusted by another person
• Being a good listener
• Being a good support system for someone
• Someone feels seen or heard by you
• Reduces stress
• Healing
• Personal growth
• Nourishes connections and deepens bonds
• More awareness
• Compassion for others
• Love
• Transforms conflict to support
• Makes a positive social change

Negative impacts of being empathetic:

• Can cause deep suffering
• Can put you in a dark mental space
• Emotionally taking on the hurt of others
• Caring a lot and not being able to not give your all to someone
• Difficult on mental and physical well-being
• Rational decision making issues
• Feelings of guilt
• Sadness
• Depression/ anxiety/ panic disorder
• Insomnia
• Making excuses for others
• Obsessing over situations
• Drama
• Anger or frustration
• Isolation
• Getting taken advantaged of
• Not having boundaries
• Losing money or anything you have to help someone else

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Honestly, I have always been an empathic person and it is something that has really shaped who I am to the core. I have been through really tough life challenges and I can relate to people on some deep personal levels which has been a really good thing in a lot of ways. Many people have opened up to me and trusted me with some really personal and sad stories which I am so grateful they feel comfortable sharing with me. I have been able to be there for a lot of my friends and family. I try not to judge and over the years I have tried to listen more then just respond. I know that this is a good quality to have because I see the best in people and have a lot of patience (which a lot of people struggle with). It has helped me as well to learn what other people go through, how they cope, how they struggle, and they have helped give me tips to help me in my mental health journey. They have made me realize things about myself in that process and have taught me patience and understanding. The thing is, I have really struggled with being too empathic and it has been a huge reason I get so anxious and depressed. I think because I have been through so much and care so much that I am in stage 2 of empathy of physically taking on the feelings of someone else but constantly working to be at stage 3.

For so long, I would listen to personal issues from family members or whoever and it would make me sad to my core. I would sit there and worry and stress and try to think of solutions for them. I would talk about it with many different people and get people worked up and get myself worked up and upset in the process. I would sit there and cry and feel so sad for whoever to the point it would leave me in a dark depression for days to weeks. I would sit there and worry about someone so much but then all of a sudden they would tell me that they are fine and everything is solved. I wonder, “why in the heck did I sit here trying to come up with a solution if it wasn’t a big deal to begin with and they are fine!?” or they would disappear and I would sit there and worry about if they are alive or how they are doing yet no response. It would literally PISS me off. I felt so taken advantage of and was mad at myself for caring so much. It started to put me in an anger phase of my healing where I would distance myself from anyone who brought this into my life and would shut them out. I would start to not care and really change the way I handled these situations. The thing is, I am not an angry person and I don’t want to shut people out! I want to still be myself and be able to be caring and listen to what people are going through but I knew I couldn’t physically take it on anymore because of my mental health. I really think because I have suffered so deeply and I know how it feels that I don’t want the ones I love to suffer so I want to help. I don’t want the ones I love in pain plain and simple.

I started to go to therapy and the biggest thing I learned was how to set boundaries with my loved ones. This did not go well with some people who do not understand or like boundaries because that means they can’t throw all their shit on me anymore to absorb and I wouldn’t sit there and feel sorry for them. My therapist taught me to literally tell the people, “okay, you have 5 minutes to talk about this and then I don’t want to hear about it again.” SETTING A BOUNDARY! I want to hear you out and be there for you but I will not let it consume every conversation we have and be the #1 person you dump out all your drama too. (Also, I am not talking about someone struggling with mental health or something, mainly talking about people who constantly have drama in their life and feed off that drama and enjoy it- and make big deals out of things and then say aren’t a big deal, and say one thing and do another, etc!) This also means not answering calls if I cant mentally listen to it and to not feel bad about that. To be okay saying no or that I will call you back when I can. Setting boundaries was the healthiest thing I could have done for myself and it is an act of self-care and self-love. You can still be there for someone and support them without taking on the emotional rollercoaster towards your mental health. I have always been a people pleaser and I have wanted to be liked which meant I would invite drama in just to be liked and I would allow people to suck the energy out of me. I would worry SO much about someone else that I would forget about the most important person in my life, and that was me. I realized I wasn’t taking good care of MY mental health and I wasn’t doing anyone any good by worrying about their problems.

I feel like a huge part of my anxiety and depression and have been from worrying about my loved ones (mainly family). I wanted so badly to control the outcome and for them to be okay. I thought I could save them and by me being there that they would make a change. Instead, it almost completely broke me down to the point I didn’t even know how to be there for myself. This has taken a lot of time, therapy, tears, frustrations, arguments, self-discipline, self-awareness, trial and error, boundaries, and self-love. Sometimes, I ended up being so distant from people because they are not understanding my boundaries and I don’t know how else to show them so I just stay away.

I want you to know that being an empathic person is such a true gift and the world needs more of us. People need someone who truly cares and wants to be there for them. They need someone to try to understand or not talk down on them when they are expressing their worries. Especially right now, the world needs more people to understand how others are struggling and how some situations are a lot harder then others. It is SO great to have a deep care for people and want to help them heal or get better.

ALTHOUGH, realize that you can’t change anyone nor should you want or have to. Love someone for who they are and accept them for where they are at. Continue to be you and show your heart to the world.

Be there for people, listen, truly care, try to ask more questions, try to see their side before forcing your own situations of what you been through on them (but use this as a tool to relate if they need guidance), understand that even though you are OK and these aren’t your fears that they are someone else’s and they are VALID. How you feel is VALID! Never let someone undermine you or make you feel like you are making a big deal for nothing because that is not true.

The takeaway from this is, continue to be you but know how to set boundaries, try not to physically take on someone else’s pain, know that just by you listening is enough, know that you are helping others, know when its time to take a step back, know when you need to focus on you, be okay with not answering a phone call or calling someone back right away, learn how to say no in a kind way, learn how to communicate with people if you’re too emotionally depleted to take on anything more, understand that we can only do so much for someone, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, people are going to do whatever they want no matter how much advice or how many times you have told them and that’s OK, people might be in worse situations but that doesn’t mean your situation isn’t bad! Try to see other perspectives and see where someone is coming from before you judge them or completely shut down their feelings or ideas.

I learned that it was important to take care of my life first and make sure that I am mentally and physical stable. I needed to put MYSELF and my Husband first because that is my core family. I needed to take time away from people who emotionally drained me and to try not to feel guilty or let others make me feel guilty for not being there. Guide people in the right direction and love them but know that I can’t change the outcome of the situation. I am choosing to live a happy life and one that I will continue to learn and work hard at everyday. I am not perfect and I am still learning….I still have my weaknesses especially when it comes to my parents. It is important to not project your anger on someone else and judge someone else for their situation. Ask more questions and try to understand why they are doing what they are doing. Most importantly, don’t forget to take care of yourself and put your needs first. Have patience for yourself and know that you are making a difference in the world just by that!

I feel like there is still so much more on this topic but I will leave it at this for now..I would love to hear your journey or your thoughts so feel free to comment, send me an email, or message and we can chat more.

We are collectively going through a hard time right now so have empathy for one another. Spread love! Instead of quickly judging someone and commenting something mean on their post- take a step back and wonder why is this upsetting me? Why do I want to post this? Is this nice? Is this kind? Is this necessary? If not, then maybe try to see things from a different light and ask more questions and send a private message and have a conversation. We are all struggling with different things during this Pandemic and with life in GENERAL so just be kind yall!

Thank you for your constant support and love. I am so grateful to have this blog to be able to share this with you and to be more vulnerable in hopes to help someone else.

Love & Light,

Tuscany

The day before I turn 30

Wow….I can’t believe I am sitting here writing this as I approach being 30 years old! My birthday is tomorrow and I am just really excited, overwhelmed, and in shock that I made it to 30. If I could tell my younger self this is what 30 would feel like then I wouldn’t have been so stressed about it when I was younger. Everybody has different life experiences and different expectations for themselves. I remember being younger and thinking, “by the time I am 30 I will be married with kids and rich and in my career!” That was the common goal for some people and for others it was just getting through the next day. I thought 30 was this magical number and that I would be so old. I sit here now thinking how 30 is still SO young. 30 is different then 20 though in a lot of ways….I definitely have way more self-awareness and experiences under my belt. My 20’s were a gradual stepping stone of learning lessons and growth. We step into our 20’s thinking we are more adult but really we are still very much a kid. For awhile, life was about partying and turning 21 and going to Vegas. I always thought that I needed to figure out life in my 20’s and sometimes would be down on myself for not accomplishing certain things yet. We are all on our own path and everybody has a different agenda.

School…when it comes to college I am still in school and sometimes I sit there and feel weird being this age still in school. I think it is easy to sit there and compare ourselves to others and where we are at in our journey. We have to remember that we are on the right path and that this path was meant for us and only us. The only person who can judge us is ourselves. It took me awhile to learn that because I would constantly compare myself to my friends who have graduated and be upset that I haven’t. The thing is I am so thankful I am still pushing for an education and working hard because my life could have went a different direction. Some of my friends who have graduated and are in their “career” aren’t even sure if that’s what they want to do. Everybody is struggling with figuring something out so if you feel this way just know you are not alone.

I started my 20’s being broken, lost, confused, hurt, curious, heartbroken, unhealthy, and in a lot of pain. I wish I could have told my 20 year old self that none of that would have mattered and that I would be okay. I mean everything mattered and it all helped shape who I am but I wish I would have went a little easier on myself and told myself I would see the happy other side of life eventually.

My 20’s

Lets talk about friends.…In my 20’s my friends were everything to me and I put a lot energy into this. I had a girl group but I also had many friends from all over the place. I really enjoyed learning and growing with my friends but even if some people aren’t in this next journey of mine I will always appreciate them and have love for them. My sister always told me when you make it to your 30’s you will have a few friends you can count on. She was so right! I am lucky to have a lot of good people but if it really came down to it I realized I would have a few I could for sure 100% count on. I realized quality over quantity is the most important. This is the time where we need to make choices for ourselves and notice who brings value into our life. Who wants to grow with us and who appreciates us and puts in the effort. It is okay to let people go and it doesn’t have to be a big dramatic thing. You can slowly drift and that is okay! I really worried about this a lot when I moved to Georgia because I so badly wanted to hold onto who I had. I tried so hard to hold onto them but then I realized how miserable they actually made me, and how it is more stress then actual enjoyment. We can’t hold onto the past. I would continue to post throwback photos and be sad and miss people from the past, but I realized I needed to see who was in my life RIGHT NOW and focus on that. I focused so hard on making friends in Georgia and let me tell you I know it is important to have friends. I tried so hard to meet quality people and sometimes comprise who I am and what I am looking for in a friend, just to have an actual friend. Sometimes I feel so desperate which is so weird for me because I never had a problem making friends when I was growing up. I realized everybody already has their circles here and groups- and sometimes someone new doesn’t fit into that. I am thankful for the ones who have embraced me and the few who really have been amazing to me. I am starting to accept that I won’t always fit into new circles and I don’t need to beg someone to hang out with me or to be my friend.

Marriage….I am married but that is something I wasn’t sure I would do by the time I was 30 or not or ever. For those who aren’t married yet, do not feel pressured by society and think you have to be. Do not just marry someone to be married and take your time. For the ones who have married young, that is okay too! Everyone is on their own journey. Just know the right person will come along. I think we meet different loves at different times of our lives. I also think the right love comes along once we have learned to truly love ourselves. Know that once you get married the real work begins and do not stop working on yourself…this is when you need to work on yourself the most!

Children.…this is the one that is probably getting to me the most. Obviously, I feel my biological clock ticking as they would say and I know safety concerns go up as time goes on. I do feel pressure in a sense to have children soon because of my age. Although, there are so many other things I have had to figure out before that moment and make sure I can get through school first. My goal was to always finish school first. I think society pressures people to settle down and have a family at a young age. I have noticed in Georgia people settle down a lot sooner, like when they are 20-22 which really amazes me. I think there is so much still to learn and life and so much more to do! In California, I notice people are scared to settle down and they wait well past their 30’s. It really is interesting to me how your direct culture can have an impact on your decisions. I know when the time is right it will happen and I will be so excited to be a mama. I praise all moms out there and want you to know you are doing an awesome job!! I know it is not an easy job and honestly I am terrified of it.

Hangovers…let me just tell you that you do not recover as quickly as you would in your 20’s! IT IS A LOT HARDER! They last for days and you have so many responsibilities it is near impossible to actually party without struggling for days on end. Anyone else feel me on this one!? The thing is, I have noticed with age that I really don’t enjoy drinking anymore. My body rejects it and never feels good after. I have actually enjoyed life without it and feel that I am happier and healthier when I don’t drink. To the ones who can still manage to party like a rock star GOOD FOR YOU…I really envy you haha! COCONUT WATER is an amazing hangover cure and drinking water after every alcoholic drink.

Goals...I had a lot of goals before I turned 30 and let me tell you I have knocked a lot of the list. I finally had my first trip out of the United States WOO! I keep adding to my goals and it is okay if I haven’t hit them all because this is just the beginning. I told myself I would start writing a book when I turned 30- and I have basically started with this blog but can’t wait to go deeper with that. Don’t be down on yourself if you haven’t checked all the boxes- you have so much more time but I encourage you to write some stuff down…I love writing lists and crossing it off when I complete it…feels so accomplishing!

Boundaries…. This has probably been the biggest learning lesson in my entire life. It was always very hard for me because I wanted to please everyone before myself. I would put my needs aside and tend to what others wanted and what their expectations were. I would get emotionally invested into so much drama between family and friends…only to be sitting there upset, while everyone else moved on and was fine. I realized that there is a lot we should stay out of and let people work it out for themselves. That is hard for someone who has major empathy like me and physically feels pain when others do. The thing is, I am much happier now that I have set boundaries and I have started honoring myself and my needs. I think this is something that comes with time and experience.

The fear of aging….this is a big one! I am starting to notice wrinkles and sun spots and wondering why I didn’t take better care of my skin when I was younger? Why didn’t I wear sunscreen and wanted to be tan and look good? Botox is becoming a bigger subject now…I have even had it once in my forehead because of my wrinkles. I get it girls it definitely helps! I am noticing that it feels harder to lose weight and I am not a size 0-2 anymore. I definitely have fear about physically aging but I think it is important to use this as a wake up call to really take care of yourself. I have so much more knowledge now then I did before, and now I can work on my health from the inside and out. Love all of your scars and your body no matter the size or wrinkles.

Enjoy every moment….I am realizing how quickly time is going and the fact I am about to be 30 really makes me excited but freaked out at the same time. Where is time going? Enjoy every moment and enjoy the ones you love. For a lot of us at this age, we might still have parents around or if your lucky even some grandparents- I encourage you to soak up every minute and spend time with each other. Life is crazy and we honestly never know how long we have with someone.

If you are younger then me I want to say do not be hard on yourself and don’t compare yourself to others. Be proud of where you are and know that the hard times will pass. Understand that everybody has struggles and this will make you stronger.

This is me now 🙂

I am extremely grateful to make it to 30 and I am thankful to be alive. Some people don’t even make it this far and so I feel very fortune to have this chance at life. My hope is to better myself every single day and keep building a strong foundation. I feel like I have so much more to do and so much to see. I can’t wait to become a therapist, yoga instructor, and to write a book (or multiple). I can’t wait to become a mother and to have a family. I can’t wait to just keep growing and see what this next era has in store for me.There are so many things in my 30’s that I am looking forward to and I have so much hope having more awareness then I did before. I am lucky I have been through some hard times because it has given me a different perspective on life and is guiding me to the next chapter. Your 30’s are a significant milestone and I really do feel like I am stepping into a new era of me.

Life Lessons from Tusk:

• Life can be really tough but use it as a learning experience
• Others treat you the way you treat yourself
• Everything is temporary
• Beneath anger is always fear
• Happiness is a choice and requires a lot of hard work
• You will get through your struggles
• Take risks
• Listen to your gut, instincts are always trying to lead us in the right direction
• Don’t beg for others attention
• Do not change who you are to fit what others want you to be
• Fall in love, get hurt, but fall in love again. Don’t be afraid to love again!
• Don’t put your entire worth into another person
• Accept every hardship and appreciate them
• Surround yourself with loving and supportive people who have your best interest at heart
• Don’t worry about being popular
• Save money!
• Eat healthy and take care of your body- but don’t be afraid to eat and indulge
• Work towards your goals/dreams
• STOP HAVING FOMO! I had this for so long- but instead I enjoy missing out sometimes and being content and thankful for where you currently are
• Book that trip!
• Do not base your self-worth and identity off Instagram models and influencers- have your own identity and embrace it
• Do what you want to do and don’t let others sway your decisions
• Have great girlfriends
• WEAR SUNSCREEN
• Go for your passions
• Spend time with family
• Take your mental health seriously and make it a priority. Do not be ashamed of feeling anxious, depressed, or down.
• Ask for help
• Every set back is leading you in the right direction
• Make time to learn something new and to better yourself
• Show appreciation for others and be kind
• Take moments to yourself and focus on healing YOU
• Don’t think you can fix anyone…they have to be willing to do the work and fix themselves
• Marriage should not be the end goal because it is when the work actually begins on a deeper level
• COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY
• TAKE A LOT OF PHOTOS
• Don’t drink and drive!
• Say how you feel and don’t hold it in but be kind about it and not project anger
• If you miss someone then text them and reach out- You never know how much someone appreciates this
• Step out of your comfort zone
• Write thank you cards…people really appreciate it!
• Don’t waste money on clothes or new trends

As in Tuscany’s famous words:

LIVE……LAUGH……LOVE………

I can’t wait to step into this new era and in 10 years talk about what all happens next…I am extremely grateful for life every single day. I am thankful for all of the lessons, people, experiences, and every moment that has happened in my life. I am so excited for this next chapter…..bring it on 30!!!

Love and Light,

Tuscany

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Let’s talk about body image and self-love…

I feel like almost everyone can relate to it. Constantly, we will be browsing on social media and see images of people looking perfect and being successful doing so. We have started to think beauty means success and if we are beautiful then we will have what they have. These images make it very hard to be your full self because you start to want to become them. The Instagram models, the Kardashians, the Hadid sisters, etc. This puts an idea in our heads that we need to be that way and if we aren’t then we aren’t beautiful. This has been very hard on me because I haven’t been able to make it to the “perfect” model body image. When I was in High School I was always in shape and really didn’t worry too much about size. College came around and I feel like that is when social media like Instagram really changed everything. I had very low self-esteem in general and it was really hard for me to believe I was great or beautiful. I remember growing up and my grandparents constantly praising me on how great I was. They made me feel so special and I felt very loved and important. High School came around and they passed away and I didn’t have someone telling me these things anymore. Sometimes people don’t even have that praise as a kid, and can you imagine how hard that is on someone’s self-esteem? Who we are around constantly like our family, friends, teachers, classmates, and anyone else who is directly around has a huge impact on us without even realizing it. I started to seek validation from men or friends and started to develop my self-worth based on what others thought. If someone told me I was beautiful I honestly wouldn’t believe them and thought they were being fake.

This cycle was very up and down and it got worse in my 20’s and I started to really think I wasn’t worthy of love. I remember wanting love so badly but for some reason the people I dated never wanted long term and I remember that making me feel like something was wrong with me. I started attracting men or BOYS basically since they weren’t mature enough haha but I started to attract ones who weren’t the best for me. When we view ourselves poorly then we will attract what we think we deserve.

Once I moved to Georgia in 2015 I still had the same feelings of wanting to be loved and finding someone. I remember this being so hard and my self-love was still not there. I started going to therapy and shortly after was recommended to a Psychiatrist to get on medication for depression and anxiety. My depression was really bad when I first moved to Georgia and so I knew that I had to try whatever I could to make it through. I tried anti-depressants, anxiety meds, medication for panic attacks, and sleeping medication. I was still taking birth control so basically I was on five different pills every single day. All of these medications has a huge impact on my body and I know that’s when my body started changing (Along with getting older). I met my now Husband and I remember him thinking I was like a goddess. He was so genuine about it and you can tell he truly thought the world of me. Finally, a good guy who I actually like really sees me and thinks I’m amazing. See there I go again with needing that validation from someone in order to believe it myself. Well he did a great job making me believe it and I just fell so in love with him! He still to this day makes me feel beautiful but he sees me in a deeper light then just what’s on the outside. I know he had a huge impact on the way I started viewing myself and I know with his help it has helped me let go of past bad cycles.

My depression started to get a lot better a few years later and the medication was really working. Although, my weight slowly creeped up on me and it was becoming harder to keep my slim figure.

I was very healthy and eating very clean and not going out and partying. I was healthier then I was before and I was walking every single day. Why did I start to gain so much weight? I went through so many things ….I thought I possibly had PCOS? I had other symptoms of this and called my Doctor and told them and they said we would have to do a lot of tests to see if that was true. I still need to follow up on that and that is my advice that so many other things could be going on with your body! I was tested for low thyroid but that was in normal range. My blood pressure on the other hand was really high about 170/90 and so I knew something was going on with my health. I couldn’t figure it out but in my head, I thought it was because of all the medication so I was determined to get off everything. I stopped taking my anti-depressant and my birth control. I continued my meds for when I have panic attacks and for sleeping but that was it. I started an extreme diet and being very restrictive with what I was eating and slowly started losing some weight. I went from 155 to 142 and I was so thankful to finally be under 150. I had a really hard time and I was very depressed during this time mainly because I was off my medication but also because I was going through a lot of crazy life changes.

In September, I had a really dark moment and that is when I wish I was still on my medication so my thoughts would be more stable and I wouldn’t have gotten in such a dark state. Why did I care more about being thin and skinny then about my mental health? I thought if I was skinny then I would be happy and be loved by people. Even though I was very much loved and I have a Husband who thinks I am the most beautiful women alive, but yet I am still sitting there thinking I look terrible. No matter how much he has told me over the last few years and for moments it did truly help- but then time goes on and if we still haven’t worked on learning to love yourself then these issues will always arise. I was always surrounded by friends who are thinner then me and then I see celebrities and influences always looking great and successful and so of course I want to be like all of them. I would sit there on my phone and scroll for hours and just get sucked into what everyone else was doing. There was times where I wouldn’t even want to go out with friends because my confidence was at an all time low. I would try on 20 different outfits and it felt like nothing fit or looked right on me. This defiantly led to a dark depression and I started to compare myself to everyone else. I have always had a bigger belly and for some reason I get bloated very easily and that has made me feel very self-conscious. I started obsessing over my weight and over everything I was doing. This became really unhealthy and it makes me sad that I worried that much about it.

I don’t think I will ever be 120 pounds and a size 0-2 like I used to be, but if anything I am healthier and that is what means the most to me. I do not party as much, I get enough sleep, take vitamins, eat the right food, and take care of my mind and my body. I am starting to realize that I am not 22 anymore and I am almost 30 so no wonder my body is changing. I walk everyday and do yoga so I have built a lot of muscles and that is why the scale says that number. I also have stopped weighing myself because I feel like that can be a slippery slope to go down. I used to weigh myself everyday and get so mad when I would gain 1 pound when I felt like I should have lost 5. I think it is important to get rid of any triggers that make you feel less then. Unfollow people on social media who have this perfect body if that makes you feel self-conscious. Currently, I feel great and have a healthy relationship with my body now. I have started to accept where I am and have started to love who I am regardless the size. I know that a lot of people, especially women deal with comparison and have a hard time with self-esteem. I want you to know that you are not alone and that you are beautiful the way you are!

A book that really helped me was Pretty Happy by Kate Hudson and I recommend for anyone going through the process of learning to love yourself. In the book, they give you many activities to learn how to love yourself. One of them was to look at the mirror while being naked and list 5 things I love about myself. WOW, I felt so weird doing this and didn’t want to be too coincided. I started to do the exercise even though I felt so uncomfortable but slowly I was like wow there are some things I love about myself. When you finally step away from social media and outside sources and really focus in on YOURSELF, it is amazing how great you start to feel.

I will say that the one thing that has helped me has been yoga. Whenever I do yoga I feel so sexy and confident and accomplished. Whenever I sweat and do activities that make me feel stronger then that it boosts my confidence. Do more things that make you feel good about yourself and that add to your self-confidence. I did want to share this photo I took last year and I felt so self-conscious in this photo. I did not want to post this because I felt like I had back rolls and felt huge. I was so excited to take this photo because of the view and I was in my new KRAHS bathing suit. Regardless, I did not post this photo because of how I thought I looked like in it. I think it is so sad we sit there and worry about our photos so much and we add filters, and then worry about the caption because we think everything has to be perfect. We think if we post the perfect photo with the perfect caption then everyone will love it and we will get more likes and people will like us more. We seek outside validation constantly! We always ask our friends if they like this outfit or how they look in something. If the friend doesn’t like it then our confidence is shot. We like going to our friends for input but we need to start trusting our own judgements. If we feel good in it then we should wear it! My entire life I wanted everyone to like me and I wanted to be friends with everyone. Since a young age I was the popular one and I always had many different friends. I notice that now I would rather have less friends but quality people around who make me feel comfortable and great.

The point of my post is to never forget who you truly are! Love your body with all the “imperfections” and do not compare yourself to others. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

If you feel like you are comparing yourself on social media then maybe it is time to take a break from it and focus on the present. The most important thing is to be healthy and not go to extremes to be a certain weight. I know this is easier said then done and a lot of people deal with this, but if you are struggling there are so many resources and places you can reach out to for help.

I am not saying it is healthy to let yourself go because at some point your blood pressure goes up and a lot of health problems can arise. I think it is important to be healthy! I am saying if you are doing all the right things and being healthy then you need to be proud of what you are doing. Honestly, everyone has a different shape and size and not everyone will be a size 2 for the rest of their lives. Even some people who are a size 2 aren’t confident in their bodies and have body image issues. This subject applies to any size and it really comes down to how they view themselves. We always want to be what someone else is, but how do we know that person is even happy how they are? Are they starving themselves? Do they have a eating disorder and having a really hard time? I have to remind myself of this a lot! Have empathy for every single person and know that at the end of the day we are all struggling and all striving to be this perfect mold. Stop body shaming others no matter their size and focus on yourself. A lot of people struggle in silence and so do not be fooled by what you see on the surface. I have started to wear clothes that make me feel supported and comfortable and I want to wear clothes that make me feel the most confident. I encourage you to wear clothes you feel comfortable in and rock it! You are beautiful just the way you are!

I urge you to go get naked and look in the mirror and say 5 things you love about yourself! Do not focus on the things you don’t love. Only focus on what you do love! Write them down and put them on a post it and be reminded. Sometimes I put encouraging post it’s around to give me little reminders. Go do something that makes you feel comfortable and confident! Be around people who make you feel great but don’t forget to do things to make yourself feel great. Unfollow social media accounts that make you feel terrible about yourself. These little changes can go a long way!

Thank you so much for reading and if you want to talk more about this topic feel free to reach out to me! I would love to hear your stories on this!

Love & Light,

Tuscany

Anxiety & Panic Disorder

My story:

I have been so excited to speak on this topic because it is very special to me and I have quite a lot to say about it. Honestly, even though this post may seem like a lot- I have been through even more but by the time I tell you every single story I would have an entire book series. When I was younger I had no idea what anxiety or panic attacks were. I remember being fifteen when I had my first panic attack and I will never forget that moment. I remember feeling severe chest pain, excessive sweating, dizzy, and insane tunnel vision. I had no idea what was going on at the moment because I was so young and did not have that sort of awareness yet. This was after my grandparents who I lived with and helped raise me passed away one after another when I was starting Freshman year of High school. My dad decided to pick up and move us out of California and to North Carolina where it was cheaper. All of these huge life changes of losing my grandparents, moving, and leaving important relationships behind was very tough on a fifteen year old kid. I remember having several panic attacks my sophomore year of high-school but again, I had no idea what was going on. Shortly after living in North Carolina for a full month I moved back to California and lived with my sister. I basically told my parents I would kill myself if they kept me there with them. I was very behind in school and had to go to a continuation school in a not so great area of Orange County. I did not fit in there and felt scared most of the time. This is when depression set in and I started to go through A LOT of feelings this year. I was in a very toxic relationship with someone who was verbally and physically abusive. He would hold me down and choke me and hit my legs so people couldn’t see the bruises on my face. Force me to have sex when I didn’t want to…. I didn’t have parent supervision during this time since my parents were still in North Carolina and my sister was at work all the time. I would basically be able to do whatever I wanted and whenever. I remember wanting to be stoned so I wouldn’t have to feel what I was going through. I wanted to be completely numb to all of my feelings of fear, panic, stress, and anger. I was constantly sad and crying and I thought about killing myself regularly. I was also hanging around older people so I was introduced to a lot of different things during this time. Junior year came around and I got out of that toxic relationship by having to change my phone numbers, friends, and move from where I was living. The one thing that continued after that relationship was being on Xanax. I was introduced the previous year and I absolutely loved the way Xanax made me feel and I felt like I could handle anything when I was on it.

Senior year I started hanging out with the wrong crowds and was in another intense relationship. I also didn’t like going to school and had a lot of anxiety about facing other people. Soon after that I did independent studies which was only once a week. I graduated from a continuation school called Shores because of how behind I was in schoolwork. Thankful I graduated though! I didn’t like facing other people and having to explain to them why I was down it was really hard. I was very popular growing up and so I always felt like a lot of attention was on me and I had this image to be liked and be social. It started to become very draining being that person.

I got back together with someone from middle school who I loved a lot. He was sober at the time and I was trying to be as well. We loved each other and had a lot of great times together. Unfortunately, both of us were pretty broken and so as time went on and us being teenagers we fell into this toxic on and off relationship. A LOT of anxiety came from this relationship and created a lot of fear inside of me. The relationship really took a toll on me and many times he made me feel like I was worthless and that I would never be good enough. I lived with my mother again for a short time and that was a very toxic environment. We argued all the time and my mom was going through a lot of issues and had really bad mental health issues, and that is when the drinking started with her as well. I was constantly in survival mode and would stay at different friends houses or my boyfriends parents house. I remember having to sleep in my boyfriends car at times since his parents wouldn’t let me stay over because I had no where else to go. I never had stability and never knew when I was going to have to move, if I could afford rent, if my ex was going to leave me again, if my ex was going to upset me again, if my mom was going to be alive and well, and if my dad was going to recover from a quadruple bypass surgery or if him and I would have a relationship. Things started turning around when I was 18-19 and I moved to Santa Monica and started working for Red Bull. I met some really amazing people and this started to change my outlook on life. I felt confident and was around empowering women who lifted me up all the time. I was still dating that ex but this is when the cheating really begun and when he would cheat on me often and I would find out through his friends. He was in and out of trouble all the time so I was constantly on edge about getting a call from jail, or getting calls from his family to check how he was doing. He did a lot of really hurtful things to me that caused me a ton of anxiety and pain. A lot of verbal abuse happened in this relationship. He really tried to tear down my image of what people thought of me- but mainly he made me believe I was worthless and would never be good enough.

I will not say that I was perfect but when someone is that manipulating and puts you down, you start to believe it and then act out in certain ways for attention. Also, when you are already in such a low point in your life and don’t have self-esteem of course things are going to happen. He moved away and a few months later I followed him. I will spare all the details but he put me in a really terrible situation (I acknowledge that I did put myself there as well but still). Found out he was cheating on me, we got kicked out of the place were were staying and basically were homeless. I moved back in with my mom and had to sleep in the living room on a mattress and this was a really bad situation. My ex told his parents I stole their gas card (Even though he did- and had it the entire time and would fill up everyone’s gas tanks and trade it for money). So we were done- and I was always the one to blame! This put me in a really really dark space. He broke up with me, made his parents believed I was bad and crazy, and then I was back with my mother, and lost some really amazing friends since they didn’t agree with me moving there in the first place. I was very much in love with this person and the pain we kept putting each other through was really hard on me. Being in such a dysfunctional and intense relationship at that age really took a toll on me. I always just wanted to be loved but all I really knew was craziness and never had role models of a healthy relationship. My life was always crazy so that is exactly what I attracted into my life.

Shortly after this, “somebody” hacked my Facebook and put pictures up everywhere of me in lingerie. This was sent out to literally everyone. Family, co-workers, friends… and it was so humiliating. These photos were only for this one person- and I couldn’t believe this happened. It happened on my 20th birthday! It kept happening in and off and this was very traumatic for me. Being perceived to people as a “slut” or as someone who is worthless is a really terrible feeling. Especially when the one person you love is also telling you these things daily.

My anxiety was so bad that when I was 20 I ended up in the Hospital with stomach ulcers and a rash all over my body. I was so sick throwing up and basically pooping out a lot of blood and had to spend a week in the Hospital. I couldn’t hold down foods and was a complete wreck. I remember the Doctor being so shocked that I was only 20 but had ulcers. I knew why, because I was constantly stressing and on edge. It is crazy how connected our mind and body are! I didn’t have ways to manage my stress and I would hold a lot in. I didn’t have many people who understood me or good coping skills so it was really hard on me. When you are young and don’t understand these constant feelings of insecurity, instability, fear, and anxiety then it it easy to find ways to “not deal” with it. I would surround myself with people who partied and would go out and drink to forget how I was feeling. Sometimes I would drink too much and would end up blacking out. This led to a constant cycle of regret, fear, and non stop negative self-talk. This continued through my 20’s but I will spare you all the details but lets just say a lot of trauma happened.

I had a life altering experience happen to me about five years ago and that is when my anxiety got even worse. I will talk about this at a later post, but just know it was very traumatic and I have a lot of PTSD from it. This situation happened because of the build up of so much anxiety, panic, depression, self-doubt, and not feeling in control of my emotions and my life. I almost died in this situation and I will never forget that turning point of my life. This situation really opened my eyes and basically woke me up and kicked me in gear. After that, I moved to Georgia and moved away from the past in California. I was able to finally start dealing with all of these emotions and figure out why I was the way I was. I started to be very fearful of being in the car (because of a bad car accident), couldn’t be in party situations with previous friends, couldn’t be around certain people, and it was even hard to go into work some/most days. Even though I was away from all of my triggers, these feelings were still very much there and there was A LOT I needed to unpack and figure out.

In Georgia, we have a lot of thunderstorms and tornado warnings and scary weather situations give me extreme anxiety. I do not like situations that are out of my control and I have always been in survival mode. When you live in “fight or flight” mode for so long and you are just trying to survive- it is very hard to feel grounded and realize these fears are not in my control- but it is okay and I will be okay. I also notice there there has been many times my anxiety has been so bad about facing people when I feel down- and so I haven’t been able to go to work or complete daily tasks. It has been crippling many times… and that is when I call out “sick” but most of the time it is mentally sick… which usually isn’t as acceptable. This is why the past 6 months I’ve had to leave the corporate world and be in better jobs for my mental health.

There are a lot of situations till this day that I will have a huge panic attack over and I can’t handle life. I am constantly worried about losing the ones I love or something bad happening to them. I have been constantly worried about my parents even though it’s out of my control. I always want to control the outcome of situations, but when in reality I can only control how I respond to them. My husband travels a lot for work and I will obsess over if something happens while he is there. If I am going on a trip with girlfriends I obsess over every detail of what we are doing and I start to worry about how I will be able to handle these social situations. I have anxiety in my relationship/marriage now of whenever we would have a disagreement-if he was going to leave me. These are things that I was used to and conditioned to believe were okay. Understanding that this is not normal and to learn better ways to handle conflict. luckily, my Husband is so supportive and understanding. He knows about all of this and he has been a huge reason I have been able to heal and get better. He has loved me for me and he has treated me with so much respect, and is just such a loving and caring man. He makes me feel so confident and pushes me to be the best. I am so thankful I met such a wonderful man who I love so freaking much. He has helped me grow in so many ways.

What does Anxiety & Panic feel/look like?

FYI: I am not a Professional! These are the symptoms I have felt and personally go through. Please consult a Doctor to get evaluated 🙂

• Over-analyzing
• Over-reacting (You feel like you are- but do not put yourself down for this!)
• Constant sweating
• Constant worry of the future and past
• Panic attacks
• Obsessing
• Anger
• Frequent urination
• High-blood pressure
• Urge to drink water constantly
• Feeling like you can’t breathe
• A lot of “what if” questions
• Hard to fall asleep, stay asleep, or sleeping too much
• Crying
• Taking everything personal all the time
• Feeling not good enough
• Feeling not in control
• Restlessness
• Nausea or stomach issues (mind and gut are connected)
• Heart palpitations
• Crying when under a lot of pressure
• Indecisiveness
• Having certain Phobias
• Not being able to be around people (social anxiety)
• Thinking of something bad happening
• Asking a lot of questions because of the fear or what could happen
• Living in regret
• Isolation
• Feeling guilt or shame

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WITH ANXIETY:

• Don’t tell them to get over it
• Don’t tell them not to worry
• Don’t tell them they are freaking out for no reason
• Don’t tell them they are creating their own reality with these worries
• Don’t tell them they have nothing to worry about
• Don’t tell them to chill out
• Don’t tell them how they should feel
• Don’t tell them “it’s no big deal”

Managing my Anxiety & Panic attacks

“Your Anxiety was your companion to survival when you needed it”- Athena

I will tell you right now that I am still working on it because it is something I will ALWAYS have to work on. This is apart of me and this will not just go away, BUT I have found ways to manage it and be able to live my life and not keep myself in my room all the time. My anxiety led to a lot of isolation and then that would lead to depression. I get very lonely and a lot of past emotions are stuck deep down inside of me. These mental illnesses are so intertwined because it is a chain affect. I would get anxiety about going out with my Dad but then the next day I would feel regret for not going, and be like “what if something happens to him” which that fear still is going, and then I would continue to not make plans with people, and then depression would set it. I would be sad that I wouldn’t see people I love and be upset at myself for not going. It was a constant cycle and I have started to acknowledge these feelings but accept them. It is okay if I don’t feel like going somewhere- and not to force myself to do things I don’t want to do. My intuition is so strong and anxiety is my intuitions way of telling me the situation is not good for me and to also honor when I am tired and need to stay home and rest. The people who love you should understand!

Therapy has been a huge help in me managing anxiety and I highly suggest it for people. I started with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which retrains your mind to go in a different direction. You discuss different situation and they give you the tools on how to understand why you are thinking a certain way, actually process it, and then change your way of thinking. I started going to therapy once a week for 4 years so believe me it really takes time and patience with yourself. I no longer hide these fears and I think it is very important to honor yourself and not put yourself in situations you do not want to be in. YOUR MENTAL HEALTH is important and if someone is a threat to that then you need to set boundaries or discontinue the relationship. I also started to cut out people who were bad for my mental health and only surround myself with people who I could be my true self with. For so long, I wanted all these friends and people to like me but now I’ve learned that I would rather have fewer friends who won’t judge me or make me feel less then. Being around people you can be honest with and who really love you is very important. When you have a great support system and ones who understand your mental health- then it really helps. I am so thankful for some of my friends because they know I have anxiety and so when I start to get anxious and ask a lot of questions- or if I disappear and don’t talk to them, they understand and will not cut me off for it. They will check on me and ask how I am doing and genuinely care about how I am. I have been practicing yoga for 10 years but let me tell you when I constantly go to yoga, then my anxiety and panic are a lot less. I feel a lot more confident and I can manage my stress better- so I highly recommend trying if you haven’t yet!

I know that I have went through a lot in my life and it all started at such a young age. I never had stability or people to count on when I needed them the most. I quickly got into bad relationships with people who I wanted to “complete me” and then would end up lowering my worth to people who did not deserve it. Always being in survival mode and having to just continue to make money to pay bills and to survive really took over my life. I wasn’t able to just be a kid and always had to be the responsible one for MYSELF to survive. I was a parent to my own parents when I needed parents the most. This is why I wasn’t able to truly process what I have been through and why so much built up. Even though I have stability now in my life and my own house- I still unintentionally have fears and things I worry about. When you use anxiety to survive most of your life then you are used to those ways of handling/ thinking about situations. I am so thankful now that therapy has given me the tools to finally deal with these things and to completely transform my life. I have more acceptance when it comes to my parents, and am starting to learn that they had their own issues they were dealing with. They loved me but they both had depression and other issues and it was difficult for them to even love themselves. I think when we start to have compassion for people and start to understand why they do or don’t do things, then we can actually learn forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt not having them there for me when I needed it, or that I didn’t need more structure from them- or that certain relationships that treated me badly didn’t freaking hurt to my core (or that I’m making excuses for them) but in order for me to heal it is about forgiveness and having empathy for others. I have truly forgiven my ex for all of the hurt and we’ve actually had discussions about things at an older age and I feel a lot of closure and I use it as a learning experience. I’m thankful for these experiences because it’s made me who I am today. I am starting to listen to myself more and be grateful for all of these experiences. I know what is best for my life and SO DO YOU. I have forgiven myself for putting myself in bad situations and lowering my standards. I have forgiven myself for being a certain way and not treating myself good. Never let anyone tell you how to handle your life or that you don’t deserve greatness, because you DO! I am very grateful for all of the challenges because now I am able to help others and share my stories.

What helps my Anxiety?

(FYI, I am now an Affiliate with Amazon! All of my recommendations will be highlighted as a link. Click that link and it will go directly to the product I recommend from Amazon)

• Knowledge of anxiety- and knowing the symptoms and how to overcome them
• Therapy
• Mindfulness
• DBT workbook: Click on that for the direct link to Amazon. This gives you a bunch of exercises and teaches you mindfulness and what your triggers are/ and how to overcome them
• Yoga (helps sooo much!)
• Meditation: There are a lot of great apps out there! I love Insight timer
• Journals. Here are some I recommend, Zen as F*ck: A Journal for Practicing the mindful art of not giving a Sh*it, The Anxiety Journal, Present, Not Perfect: A Journal for slowing down, letting go, and loving who you are, The Mindfulness Journal for Anxiety:Daily prompts and practices to find peace
• Diet adjustments- Whenever I eat clean and healthy I have less anxiety and feel a lot better. Too much fast food and salt make me feel worse
• Less Caffeine: I have switched to matcha green tea or pure green tea
• Check out my website with Arbonne (click this link to go directly to my site and purchase) I LOVE the energy fizz sticks and they don’t give me anxiety after drinking them
• CBD Oil: I am an affiliate with this brand click the CBD oil link to go directly to the product
• Herbal remedies: St John’s Wart, Magnesium, Valerian root, L-Theanine, B Complex, Ashwagandha, Melatonin, Fish oil
• Probiotics: The gut is very connected to your mind…healthy gut/healthy mind 🙂 Grass fed Collagen Peptides with Type 1 & 3 Probiotics from Garden of Life
• Take baths! Dr. Teal Epsom salt soaking solution Lavender
• Essential Oils! I love lavender oil and I keep a diffuser next to my bed when I sleep and one at my desk
• Weighted blankets if you get anxiety at night time
• Medication: I had to use medication like SSRI’s for awhile which help with anxiety and depression, sleeping medication, & medication for panic attacks (Please discuss with a professional about this)
• Support groups: There are so many support groups online. I love Peak of Panic. I am in a group me with 300 others and you can talk about how you are feeling that day- and share stories and share tips to others. Follow her on Instagram and ask to join her group
• Being more assertive: Speak up about your boundaries and expectations for others. Let people know your triggers and how you feel about certain things. This has helped me a lot!
• Get enough sleep
• COLD RAGS! When I have a panic attack and get really hot..then I love getting a rag and making it wet and putting it either on my forehead or back of neck…it really soothes me
• List your fears and put them in order. Least to worst: and explain why these are your fears? It is nice to have it down on paper to really see what is going on
• Have a good support system of people you can trust and rely on
• A schedule: Having a schedule really helps me but I can’t overwork myself or else I get too stressed and my anxiety builds up
• Time management: Give yourself an extra 15 min in the morning to wake up. Whenever I rush out the door then my anxiety doubles and I start to get angry
• Don’t put yourself in situations you don’t want to be in: YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE! Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not doing something
• When having a panic attack: Take control of your breathing and start counting to 50. Keep your mind focused on your breath. Breathe, touch, and smell. Use your basic senses and use whatever you have to get your mind to focus on that- instead of the worry
• Walking: Walking at least 4-5 times a week has helped me so much. Being out in nature really calms my mind and exercise is really good for anxiety
• Do not drink: I know whenever I drink alcohol it makes me feel worse and can lead to a lot of anxiety
• Make lists of what you need to get done
• Set time out of everyday to take at least 5-10 minutes to be with yourself and breathe
• Have compassion with yourself

Books I recommend:

Clink the links to go directly to Amazon to purchase

• Unf*ck Your Brain: Getting over Anxiety
• The Wisdom of Anxiety: How Worry and Intrusive Thoughts are Gifts to Help You Heal
• Anxiety and worry workbook
• Dare: The New Way to End Anxiety and Stop Panic Attacks
• The 5-Minute Anxiety Relief Journal: A creative way to stop freaking out
• The Big Activity Book for Anxious People
• Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety
• Anxiety Happens: 52 Ways to Find Peace of Mind
• Loving Someone with Anxiety: Understanding and Helping your Partner
• Own it: Make Your Anxiety Work for You
• When Panic Attacks
• Panic Attacks workbook: A guided Program for Beating the Trick
• The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the healing of Trauma

I believe in you!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I really hope that my story can help you feel less alone in this. I am always here if you need extra support or have any questions. You are not alone in this and you can manage this with the right help. Do not be afraid to ask for help! Speak up to people and let them know what you are going through. Take deep breaths. Also, I would love to hear from you and your experiences with anxiety. I am here if you want to share your story! 🙂

Love & light,

Tuscany

Practicing Self-Love while in a partnership

I feel like this topic is very important and I want to show the ups and the downs of being away from your partner. I hope to show you ways that have helped me to cope with it and to look at the positive side of it. Even if you are not personally in this situation this will be great learning of self-love and how to love yourself and be okay on your own even when you are in a committed relationship. Too often we rely on our partner for our essential happiness, but once we lose that relationship then we completely fall apart. What if we could fall in love with ourselves instead? What if we put the love into ourselves that we freely give to others? I have learned that you must love yourself first no matter what. This doesn’t mean it is easy to do and I feel like it is something you have to work on constantly, but it is very necessary.

My husband has a job that requires a lot of travel and sometimes he will be gone for a week, two weeks, or even up to a full month. Sometimes these jobs are international which creates a huge time difference and that can make it difficult to be able to talk often. He isn’t the best with technology like calling or texting so that makes it even harder sometimes. He has had this job since the beginning of our relationship so I knew what I was getting into, but it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard to accept. When you first date someone you want to spend all of your time with them right? You are so excited and this is when the momentum needs to continue in order for the relationship to keep going. At the time, he was my boyfriend and we dated for 2 weeks before he had to go out on a long job. He went overseas and I remember us texting all the time and it is so exciting, but I missed him. Some time passed by and he continued to travel and some jobs were harder than others. A few months in, I started to doubt the relationship because we would spend time apart and my mind would go crazy. I wondered if he wanted to be with me or if I was good enough, and if I would ever have someone who truly loved me and wouldn’t leave. In my head, he was physically leaving and even though it was for a job I still had these self-doubts and felt like I was being completely left. This comes from a long line of trauma and past experiences. I was so scared to lose this, and in previous relationships, I spent all of my time with them so that is what I was used to. I would spend every minute with them and my identity was them, and when things went south in that relationship I felt completely broken inside. I felt broken for years and it is something I still struggle with having that self-love. From a young age, I felt like a partner completes you and that love is everything. This really sets people up to fail because we think that someone else is responsible for our own happiness, and when that doesn’t happen then we are completely destroyed.

          All of these doubts and lack of self-love have gone into every relationship and every dating experience I have. I always just wanted to be loved and focused so hard on that. The thing is, with him traveling it actually forced us to have hard conversations and to openly communicate about how we were feeling. This is something that was new to me and felt so amazing. I felt like, wow this person isn’t going to leave me and he actually wants to talk through it and work through it? I was so confused! I was so used to breaking up, getting back together, and relationships just being pure CHAOS. We were forced to work hard at it and to work at it every day and we quickly learned a lot about one another. I think the time apart for us was really good for our relationship and it set a strong foundation for us to build on.

          Time went by and we ended up getting married and so you would think all the insecurities would be out the window, right? It is not like I have ever been worried about him being with anyone else, it is more just trying to live day to day life without him. This past year he left for a month on an international trip, and let me tell you this was one of the hardest months of my entire life. I was feeling so down and got into a deep depression. The one person I needed couldn’t be there physically, and because of the time difference, we hardly were able to talk. All of my insecurity came back and I felt completely alone, and was so mad thinking is this how it is going to be forever? I can’t do this by myself and I don’t want to. I was so down that I was even suicidal….. and that is so scary! These feelings were rooted in years and years of feeling alone and unworthy. I went back to feeling alone in life, and that I will always be alone. Even though I have this amazing husband out working his butt off for US and our life, and I am sitting here feeling completely lifeless because I am alone. When he would come home, I would want to spend all my time with him that I wouldn’t even want to leave the house to go to yoga, or dinner with my dad. This is something that I had to work on as well because I have to keep living my life even when he is here. Another thing that is hard is that we have missed each other birthdays, big events, Valentine’s day, and other things because of his traveling. That makes it very hard and I can’t express some of the sadness I have felt during those times. Sometimes I think…”I finally have this amazing guy and love, and enjoy him so much but can’t fully have him around all the time.” This was a really hard concept for me, and sometimes still is.

          After this experience, I started to have a lot of realizations that have completely saved me and saved us in a relationship. While he was gone and when he is home, I started living my life. I started going to yoga more, making more friends, creating a routine, and focusing on me. I realized he can not be my sole purpose and happiness. He brings so much happiness and love to my life, just like I am sure your partner does but it doesn’t mean they should be your entire happiness. That is so unrealistic and it really sets you up to start feeling so alone and in a situation like I was in. I can write this now and say how much happier I have been with myself and in general. I have found ways to cope with him being gone, and I have started to look at the bright side of things. I am not saying it is easy, or ever will be because I love him and miss him but I am saying I can survive and thrive on my own as well. He is about to leave again for a month and I have so much anxiety even thinking about it, but I know I will be okay because I have done it before and I will continue to do it and survive.

          I think this is important for anyone to do even if their partner doesn’t travel. So often, I hear when my friends tell me their partner is going out of town for a few days and they feel like they can’t survive or don’t know what they will do with themselves. I am like I HAVE BEEN THERE; I GET IT! Although, I hope that everyone can enjoy the time on their own and have fun with it. YOU CAN SURVIVE without another person, and you can enjoy it too. I think movies like Romeo and Juliet have screwed up our generation, and all of the other love movies of people not being able to like to breathe without the other person. This is for you single people out there too! ENJOY this time by yourself and if you really focus on loving yourself, then the right partner will come by and one who will truly love you. If you love yourself, everything else falls into place.

          He and I don’t have children yet so I know that will be a completely different story and one of the reasons we have waited to have kids. I am terrified of having a child and him being gone a lot, especially because I don’t have too much support here in Georgia. I do however have a very highly active and crazy dog so I have gotten a taste of what it would be like, and it is really hard. It is really hard because you start to get momentum in the relationship and have a routine and then the routine is all over the place once the traveling starts. Accept this and continue to do what you need to do even when they are gone.

          The thing I want everyone to take away from this is that please make yourself happy first no matter what. If you can’t make yourself happy then nobody else can, and you will set such high expectations and get let down every time. I promise you the relationship will do so much better if you both have that sense of independence and security. I can’t believe after 15 years of trying to figure this out, that I finally am understanding it. I think this is why this situation was put in my life so I could work through it, and realize the person that I have needed this whole time, was myself.

          If this is something you are struggling with, I am here to talk, but in the meantime, here are some tips to cope that have helped me!

How to Thrive On Your Own

• DATE YOURSELF! Take yourself on a date and get dressed up. Even cook yourself dinner at home and add some wine and enjoy
• Keep yourself busy!
• Therapy- Therapy helps me a lot with this
• Take care of yourself! Pamper and nurture yourself. Go to yoga, baths, walks, face masks, or whatever else you enjoy
• Hang out with friends and family! This made a huge difference for me. I started to meet more people and reach out more and it has helped to not be alone constantly
• Enjoy your time alone and love being with yourself
• If you are missing the intimate time- then please yourself! Hello, that’s what vibrators are for!
• Create and get creative- do a project or do something that you can spend time doing and something you enjoy
• Clean, organize and knock things off your to-do list
• Binge-watch all your favorite shows and enjoy
• Get involved- for me Soulful Sunday this event my friends put on has helped me have a sense of community and people to rely on and trust. If you need the church, or any kind of community get together
• Take this time to make phone calls and catch up with friends and family (especially for me since I am a long-distance from them)
• Go on a road trip! Take a trip by yourself and enjoy the heck out of it
• Write about how you feel and get it all out and on paper
• Learn new recipes and cook more
• Try out new work out classes
• Read a new book

How to THRIVE in your relationship from a distance

• Write letters and put it in their luggage so they can read at different times. Every year on Valentine’s day I write my husband a ton of “open when” letters. He has ones that he can open when he is sad, misses me, stressed out, needs a laugh, needs some love, needs a funny story, etc. I will fill them with pictures of us, and even some coupons he can use when we see each other. This shows your partner how much you care, and it goes a very long way
• Discuss your needs with your partner and make sure they know what you expect so you can be on the same page
• Understand that your partner is there for work and not for fun- and he will be exhausted and he can’t always talk (this was a hard thing for me to learn) but for the one who is traveling to understand your side of it too, and to listen to you and be empathetic
• Spend quality time when they are home
• Be open and honest about how your feeling so you don’t build up resentment
• Know that this will not last forever- and it is to better your future and your relationship
• Make sure to keep the romance alive and send flirty texts!
• Call when you say you’re going to call- and make sure you see that time as important
• Trust your partner
• Continue to express your love for one another
• Travel with your partner if you get the chance to
• My husband sucks at technology, but for the ones that are better at it I feel it is important to schedule skype dates
• Don’t feel like you have to talk 24/7 because that is unrealistic. Appreciate the small convos even if they are short and once a day
• Go to the airport and pick them up! Even though the airport is about an hour away I enjoy being there when he returns- and enjoy dropping him off. That is the extra time I get to spend with him and he appreciates that I am there
• Realize that you still have your partner, even from miles away and appreciate that you have a hard worker and someone who loves you

I really hope this helps and if you have any questions please reach out! If I can do this, I know that you can too and I have faith in your journey. Thank you for reading and taking the time to support me because it truly means the world.

Love and light,

xoxo

Tuscany