Coping with loss around the Holidays

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for reading and I am excited to share more with you. The holidays are fun filled with family, love, lights, traveling, and magic. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday because it brings everybody together, but because I grew up in a house who went all out for it. For those of you who may not know, I lived with my grandparents as a kid and until I was fifteen years old. Boy, did they spoil me always but especially for Christmas. My grandma loved Christmas and she had the tree fully decorated, the village set up, musical Santa out, and basically the whole house was filled with Christmas joy! Growing up my sister would come stay the night Christmas eve, and we would bond and be excited for the next morning. Christmas morning came and my dad would get on the loud speaker (that went into each room) for us to get up at 6 AM! We thought this was crazy because we just wanted to sleep in, but we smelled breakfast so we decided to get up. We had so many great memories like this and thinking back it makes me so thankful I had a great childhood filled with love.

Time went on and it was the year 2004…I was a freshman in high-school and so excited to start this next journey. My grandpa had Parkinson’s disease and slowly he was getting worse. He passed in October 2004, and a week later my grandma had a stroke and was unable to speak and bed ridden. I will never forget after my grandpa passed going to the hospital and seeing him laying there, but his spirit already gone. My grandma was at the hospital at the same time, and I ran up to her floor and crawled into bed with her and started crying. I remember her telling me how much he loved me and how I kept him alive longer, and no matter what happens they will both always be looking after me. I felt so much comfort in this moment but I was so young I had no idea what to expect next. My grandma had her first stroke shortly after, and was in the hospital until she passed. It was Christmas eve and I remember my sister Heather spending the night and we were sleeping in my bunk beds. It was 4 AM on Christmas morning, and my dad and mom wake us up. Usually, this means Santa is here and we need to wake up for Christmas. This time, it was them telling us grandma just passed away. I remember us being quiet as my parents left the room, and we both started sobbing silently. How ironic? My grandma’s favorite holiday and she was sent to heaven the same day.

After that, my life changed forever and so did my family. Being so young and not understanding loss was very difficult. We had to move and so many other factors which I will post more about in another post.

After this, I started to get very close to my grandma’s best friend Duffy. She knew me since I was a little girl and she was the sweetest. Most of her family lived far so I started to come see her more often, and we became best friends. This bond started to form when I was 18 and we started to spend more and more time together. I would go over there and help her with the day to day, and watch the Bachelor with her (Yes that’s where my love of the show came from LOL)

Duffy was in her 90’s but she was such a strong lady and had so much wisdom. She knew everything about me and we would talk for hours. It was so nice to be a little older and be able to listen to the amazing stories she had to tell, and be able to remember the advice she gave me. That is something that was so hard for me when I lost my grandparents….is that I was so young that I hardly remember the stories or the day to day. Luckily, my grandma took a TON of photos so I can always look back and remember that moment.

Years passed by and I spent so much time with Duffy..times where I would sleep on her 100 year old couch that was so small but I did not mind. The ironic thing is, she always thanked me for helping her but what she didn’t know is how much she was helping me. I finally had a chance as an adult to spend time with an elder and learn, grow, and be loved so deeply by someone. A grandparents love is so rare and something I cannot describe. She gave me something to live for and gave me hope…She believed in me so I never wanted to let her down. She passed away a few days before Christmas in 2014. Christmas again!? Right!

I wanted to share this because I know so many of you have lost someone close to you, and some around the Holiday’s. Whether you lost them during the holidays, or you are now spending the holiday’s without them….I know this isn’t easy, and it might not ever be the same.

It is so hard to be without that special person and it hurts A LOT…So feel that hurt, grieve, cry, and do whatever you need to do to heal. I will say that I still have moments where I cry and wish they were here. Although, I will say they are always with me and I believe in keeping little keepsakes with you so they are still there. I have a Christmas stocking my grandma made me as a kid and I still keep that near ever Christmas. Do whatever you need to do to feel them close, and know that you are not alone. I do wanna say, keep doing those things they did and keep their spirit going…. they would love to see that ❤️

I wanted to send so much love to all of you and especially to the ones spending this holiday grieving a loss. You are not alone, and I see you and I love you.

Happy Holidays everyone and have a very Merry Christmas!

Love & Light,

Tuscany

Me, Dad, Grandma, & Grandpa

Duffy ❤

Me as a kid 🙂